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my former T :( :( :( LONG

Posted by Dory on November 12, 2007, at 14:56:32

i saw my former T today... it's the third time i have seen him in public over the entire time i have known him... this is the first time i am sure he saw me. In all cases he has not even said hello. He asked once what i would want him to do if we met outside of session and i said i would want him to at least say hi. So he knows how i feel. :(

Today he was sitting in a coffee shop, just 5 or 6 feet away... and he was facing me... he could hear and see me. i was side on to him, so i didn't see him right away. i just saw some guy sit down and i didn't turn to look. So, he was sitting there at least a half hour before i noticed him... and since he hadn't said anything, and i was with a friend, i didn't say anything either. It was obvious he had chosen to ignore me. EVen though i was with someone, it would have been easy to say hi as he went by... or as he left.

i am devastated... crushed. i was so hooked on him. My first post here was about how i wanted him to love me like i loved him. i was almost obsessed with him. i was so hurt that i couldn't continue with him. And now, even though my current T is a far better match for me, and a far better T in general, i still get goose bumps when i think of him... and i still do think of him.. often actually.

My last session with him i told him that he should have explained transference to me and helped me work through it. It made perfect sense to me that i was feeling that way... but he hadn't. Once we terminated i was left hanging in mid-transference and at that point it never seems to heal.

i don't feel the same wya about my current T. It's not obsession, and it's not romantic. i would ave been on my old T like white on rice had he offered. My current T is so very important, but it's not a fixation.

i feel like someone ripped my heart out and took a bite.. i'm bleeding to death emotionally.

why would he hurt me like this?

now that there is distance i can see how he mishandled me a number of times, mistakes he made, etc. Those are forgivable, things happen.. but i can also see things he did which were so hurtful..

he is a caring person... that was obvious.. so why hurt me? why **choose** to hurt me?

he can't possibly have decided it wouldn't matter if he said nothing. He would have to have been trained under a rock or something to be that ignorant of how a client feels towards their T. We all get attached to some degree or other. It;s so easy for them to hurt us... they KNOW that, they are trained about that. It happens by accident, but they are supposed to be trained not to do it on purpose..right??

i can't understand. i adore him.. seeing him brings back all the pain i suffered of wanting more from him and not being able to have it... the embarrassment i had of feeling that way. The longing. That's it..longing. i longed for him. i still long for him.

but i am such trash to him he can't even say hi. He found me frustrating and i guess more difficult than i even thought. i am just trash. He can hear my deepest fears and see my deepest pain and then he can just walk by me without even a nod. i'm not even worth that, even though he was worth the world to me.

last week or so i had thought about writing him a letter to tell him how things are going.. that even with all the pain i am going through now, i am light years ahead of where i was when he met me. i thought he'd be happy to hear from me.. he had said he wanted nothing but the best for me. i guess he lied.

so crushed.. so hurt.

i already felt like dirt. i got turned down for a good opportunity for my career and felt bad enough. My confidence was rattled badly.

i wish i were able to cry..




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