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Re: (((Phillipa))) rskontos

Posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2007, at 12:35:56

In reply to Re: (((Phillipa))), posted by rskontos on November 12, 2007, at 12:01:04

I'm scared so very scared of everything. Going out, staying home, I feel I'm the sickest on babble and have for a long time and just don't like to cry on here. But until you turn 60 you will never know how frightening that in itself is as there is not much time left in your life. Tell me that 20 years ago I would have brushed it off and forgotten it. I think to myself what is the point in sticking around as if the end is the end why does it matter when. I brought my kids up to be independant as I raised myself and have made so many mistakes until lately forgave myself for. Oh but I was a good Mom maybe too good as my kids don't even call when they know I'm having the surgery to act concerned. They live their lives. Well I want them too. But when no one not even a therapist or a doc says it's your right to end it anytime you like is that right? Makes the self-esteem and fear even worse. I have to leave the house with my husband daily to stay alive another day. I am very active on the med board as I don't understand why lets say an SSRI seems to make people tired and me I flip out. I have given up hope. All I wanted was to nurse. Now the pains in my degenerative disc back and fused on it's own neck won't allow me to do even this small joy to me. So I know I have to do something else. I can't go from being a nurse to volunteering it would be devasting for me so trying the maybe not supposed to mention but ebay . I must find something to give me the desire to live again. Boy I'm fighting inside for my life can't cry only want to sleep and can't stand being criticized cause I can't contribute more than my disability to the household. Even trying to clean is hurtful for my back and tiring. Well just seriously delete this go on and live cause life is not forever. There will come a time in life when a lot of medical problems may or may not affect you. But love your kids and enjoy those baby and toddler times they will be gone soon never to return. Sorry to sound negative. This babble is my life line at this time in life. My real board is the meds board . Social if anyone is there to try and lighten up. No I'm not suicidal don't think about that. Just let try and help others my happiness comes from that. Just no I don't want help from you if you don't. And I hope this civil. I don't want to break any rules. Thanks for letting me vent. Phillipa




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