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Re: The Phases of Therapy Daisym

Posted by RealMe on November 12, 2007, at 0:54:32

In reply to The Phases of Therapy, posted by Daisym on November 11, 2007, at 23:23:11


I think we are in sort of the same spot right now. My T has said something similar about how mush work I have done just in the last couple of months, and like you, I am in tears most of the time in therapy. It is so painful, and yet I also feel closer to my therapist and understood. I said to him Friday that I never cry in front of people, and yet here I am crying all the time, and I don't want to. He said maybe I need to cry here. I said I would think you would be sick of it and think, "oh here we go again." I don't remember if he even said anything, but I knew he did not feel that way.

I had some huge insights after I left therapy on Friday, and I wrote them all down and sent it to him in an email. He knows that if I don't write it down, it is gone in a couple of days, thanks to the ECT. Now I will look up his response to my email as I don't remember what it was off hand.

Okay, he said: "It is terrific that you are doing such meaningful self reflection and sharing it with me." I had told him some thoughts I had about how he laughs at my faces and silly comments and how I think that I got comfortable with that and felt more scared of the serious him, I mean really serious--the T who says things like, yes it is true that if you decide you are going to kill yourself, I will take steps to stop you. I told him if I was really going to do it, I would not say anything to him. He said he was sorry to hear that. I felt like sh*t after I said that too him. The insight I had was that maybe this is one way I got people to like me, men in particular by being "impish" as my T has called it. But this always led to relationships with men that I did not really want. Another story and related to the csa. So, I never realized or was aware of this dynamic before. Now what. I wonder what he will be like when I see him on Tuesday as I told him that part of me thought he was "cute" too when he laughed and that I fantasized saying to him that when he is like that I just want to do something with him that I think I will get blocked if I say the word here. Now I am just really embarrassed to even see him.





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