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A healing experience for me***birth exp trigger***

Posted by antigua3 on November 10, 2007, at 10:13:52

This is rather personal, but....

The event that initally drove me into therapy all those years ago was that I lost a baby after an amnio test--a very unusual occurence. The needle was contaminated. Everything happened so quickly. I had a fever one night and the next day I was a good girl and called my dr. to report it and they said to come in to make sure everything was OK. Well, it wasn't. There was no heartbeat. I was alone and stunned. I had just had a miscarriage several months before, but it was nothing like this. The doctor wanted to deliver the baby right away, so my husband came as quick as he could and everything was taken care of that night and I was home in the morning.

I was hosting a wedding shower for my SIL the next day in my new home and I just had to bite my lip and get through the event w/o anyone except my immediate family knowing what happened. It was a horrible experience, and I blamed myself for maybe 8 yrs that it was all my fault. The dr. triggered the beginnings of my csa memories, and as I said, that's what drove me into therapy.

Last week I had to have outpatient gyn surgery. While I was worried about the outcome (everything seems to be fine), I found myself lying in the bed while I was waiting for the surgery (about 5 hrs!) and mourning the loss of my son (it took me 6 yrs to ask the sex of the baby). While everyone around me thought I was crying about the surgery, I wasn't. I really felt the grief and I let it out.

It is very weird, but having the surgery (different dr., but she was well aware of my hisotry) actually was very healing. I had people around me who understood me (my own dr. had lost a child once), cared for me, and helped me through what otherwise might have been a terrifying experience for me.

So, it took me 17 yrs. I will do something special for this lost child; I'd even given him a name w/o realizing it; and will let go. The argument that has always run through my head is that well, if that hadn't happened, I never would have my daughter, etc. etc., but I never thought it was ok to separate the two experiences out. It doesn't make me love my daughter any less--I am thrilled to have a daughter--but I see now that I can appreciate and love my daughter fully while loving this lost child at the same time.

I don't know why I wrote this to you all. But you know me, the drive to write overpowers me.




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poster:antigua3 thread:794258