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Re: Pragmatism rskontos

Posted by Dinah on November 8, 2007, at 11:37:09

In reply to Re: Pragmatism, posted by rskontos on November 8, 2007, at 9:48:10

It's interesting how we pick our mates, isn't it? I found my husband devastatingly attractive because he was so at ease socially, and because he had a great sense of humor. While I'm socially anxious (though not shy) and while I can't say I don't have a sense of humor, it's a low key one not a laugh out loud one.

And in the end, I'm the one who arranges most of our mutual social outings and it's my friends we socialize with on the rare occasions we socialize. It seems that he is enormously comfortable in social situations, but he doesn't really create them or extend work friendships outside of work. He just quietly wishes we were with friends more often. And while he's absolutely hilarious, with a perfect recall of voices and quotes and a genius for using them in context, he takes himself really very seriously. I'd never have guessed that at all. Fortunately I still find him devastatingly attractive, if not quite for the same reasons I originally did. :)

I have no earthly idea why my therapist thinks I'm self loathing. He knows I hate my body, but that's a reasonable thing to do really. I've let it fall to pieces, and it really isn't at all loveable. And I hate when I am lazy or self indulgent with money or food, or fall behind at work. But I think it's reasonable to be disgusted with myself at those times. Even intensely disgusted.

But what he seems to fail to grasp is that at the core of all of that disgust is the sense that I could do better, and anger at myself for not doing better. I had two parents who loved me as much as they could love. My father adored me more than any person alive, even if he yelled a lot and made my life miserable at times. I did very well at school, and beat myself up if I got an B, or even a low A, or not the highest A, because I felt like I could and should do well. I don't loathe myself for things I'm not good at, like humor or sports. And he seems to fail to grasp that it's in the areas that I fully expect myself to do better because I think well of myself that I despise myself for falling short. Which is not, I think, self loathing but the exact opposite. I seem somehow to never have managed the lower expectations toward myself that I apply to others.

Boy, I am coming across quite awfully in this thread, aren't I? I am not only cool and more calculating than I might wish in my relations, but I think very well of myself - at least in some areas.

(I sort of wish we had a lot of icons here. Not the sort that move, but more choice in expressing emotions. The written word is so hard that way.)




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