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Re: worried...t tomorrow

Posted by Dory on November 5, 2007, at 18:47:09

In reply to worried...t tomorrow, posted by Dory on November 4, 2007, at 22:45:26

it went ok.. not great, not bad, but ok. we talked some about the new developments in my current problems.. what i can do to keep myself grounded. He was pleased that i think i have made a friend.. maybe.

i felt ok with him though... and we talked about last time... how it had been this terrible session that turned into some of the best stuff yet. By the end of last time he had really gotten some important stuff about who i am and how i operate.

last time i had asked if he were mad and he asked me to look him in the eyes and tell me if i thought he looked like he was mad... and of course he didn't. What that did was give me something solid for later... when i was at home fretting about him being mad, well, i couldn't do that because i had that evidence that he wasn't.

we talked a bit about how i feel pressured to get stuff done... one, because i am afraid of disappointing him and two, because i am still afraid he is going to kick me out. So when a session is slower or not as deep... i get in a panic or withdraw into despair. He said we need to work on that.

he says he has changed his mind on some stuff he said months ago... stuff that i found restrictive, upsetting and not the best approach for *me*... he now says that it is more than ok to ask for reassurance from him. He says he understands me better and has adapted. He used to be afraid of me developing an increasing dependence thta was unhealthy. He knows me well enough now to know that isn't the case. He understands the role that reassurance plays for me and he is ok with that. He also understands how precious little validation and reassurance i have had, or have now, elsewhere.. i think he is finally catching a glimpse of the me that is in here, inside all those walls.. and even though i have told him as much, i think my exterior is in such contrast to me that even he had no idea just how vulnerable i am.

i bit the bullet and told him some very difficult stuff.. gave him "the keys to the kingdom" so to speak. The stuff i told him was not events or traumas or anything like that... it was the weak spots in my armour. i told him how to diffuse me when i am aggressive. i told him how to skirt around the scariest defenses i can come up with. The stuff i told him leaves me very very vulnerable to him.. and it scares me to death. i am very afraid of what i have done..




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