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Dunno what to do*triggery?*

Posted by Muffled on November 5, 2007, at 8:06:46

My T is great, but of course....she human too.
Well, two sessions ago we talking bout triggers and she triggered me(a bit, enuf to make me dissociate, which I do at the drop of a hat ANYways)by saying a word I'm not fond of.
So then last session, she was saying about how, well I can't remember exactly what, cuz I was already tense bout her waving her hands around too close to me, but then she somehow said the word AGAIN, and was immediately repentant, and kinda fumbled for a sec, and then said 'can I make repair?'(I asked her what she had said) and the 'mode' I was in, just blasted away elsewhere, leaving me just my Ikid, who was somewhat perplexed. But then T tried to re direct me bt saying 'what color is that? Pointing to a truck, whereupun IKid was sucked (very happily!!!) into a discussion on colors.
This is long, sorry.
So then T is makinging Ikid laugh like crazy, I guess it was kinda funny. I was all Ikid pretty much.
But then she was explaining something else and I wasn't there enuf to understand and Ikid didn't either, but it was enuf to know that T didn't seem to be 'getting' it, bout where I was in my head.
So I dunno where I am at. I THOT I was understanding whats going on internally but I DO NOT.
I SORTA explained in an email what went on.
I THOT I was over it, no biggie. But I think part of me is still angry somewhere.
I'm all confused.
I have a weird and not so nice email written, and I not sure who it come from, and its not so nice. I dunno if its true stuff, or if its just some angry part trying to hurt T.
So I haven't sent it. I thot maybe I could bring it with me, to sorta 'test the waters' B4 I gave it to her. But traditionally I usu chicken out...
And I dunno even understand the mail. Or if its just anger. I want to be all better, and I do WAY better, but I can't seem to exorcise this one demon in me. And I dunno what it is. I dunno if I can ever know. But theres a part in me that is SO messed up, she so horrible we won't let her out, and when she sneaks out a bit its too awful how she feels and we want to die. Literally die. So she has to stay away. She has no words. Just how she feels.
I dunno what to do.
I just don't.




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