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Re: *Triggers* about suicide? B2chica

Posted by DAisym on November 2, 2007, at 13:55:18

In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? cactus, posted by B2chica on November 2, 2007, at 8:45:50

There have been times when I came to believe that my children would be better off without me. I wrote about it here and a Babbler, who lost her mother to suicide, gave me the view from the "other side." I've never forgotten how she was still grieving all these years later and still asking the question, "why did you leave me? Wasn't I *enough* to keep you here?"

As hard as it is, do not underestimate the meaning your daughter would make of it. And as unfair and cruel as it feels to have someone lay this on you, it is the truth.

I hate this truth. It makes me angry and fills me with despair sometimes. I dismiss it, push it aside, rationalize it. But when you get down to it, I can't escape the fact that I'd be abandoning my children - I'm not done yet. And isn't that a huge part of what makes me feel this way? If my parents didn't/couldn't love me, who could/can?

Do we really want to keep this cycle going?

Believe me, even knowing all of this, the fight is super hard. Facing another day, getting through another week - I'm exhausted. So I can't say with certainty, "I'll never take my own life." But still, I know why I shouldn't.

I hope you know that too.




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