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Re: **STRONG TRIGGER***(suicide thougts)

Posted by muffled on November 2, 2007, at 13:10:56

In reply to **STRONG TRIGGER***(suicide thougts), posted by B2chica on November 2, 2007, at 11:34:47

> i just sent this to T.
> i hope she can help with things...although i don't know what she CAN do.

*She can help you keep you safe. You are doing great in letting her know whats going on. You gonna have to try and fully trust and follow whatever descions she makes for your care and safety.

> why does this happen again on friday?

*I think weekends are bad for alot of us cuz T's are less accessable generally speaking, so we feel more alone and unsafe.

> its getting stronger...the words, i'm scared of them..of if they're true...

*They are NOT true. I have found this out ofr myself and you just gonna have to try and beleive me. I used to get this sort of thing over self would seem so inevitable...I had NO choice, I would have NO peace unless I did so...and the results were pretty bad a coupla times. I have resisted some really bad ones in the last while. I just didn't do it. Its weird. Sounds so simple, but it was NOT easy.
Have you tried 'thought stopping'? Its where your thots are going wrong, and you either say in your head STOP! and change your thots to something the color of your shoes or whatever. You do this as often as necessary. Sometimes you have to say it LOUD, out loud... Also another way is to keep an elsatic on your wrist and snap it and say STOP in your head at the same time and redirect your thots to eg diff sounds, or textures, or taste, or a TV show or whatever turns your crank. I also use the word NO! as well.

> and i'm just so tired. physically, and mentally.

*yeah, mental health takes a beating when we are physically unwell, this is well documented fact...

> i keep hearing... this deep whispered voice (seductive...and STRONG, so assured, so resolute)...these words.

*yeah...SO convincing, so....inevitable.......SEEMING...but NOT TRUTH. NOT INEVITABLE. But yes, VERY powerful and needs to be treated with utmost urgency.

> the starred ones are the most common and the most...the ones that make me just sigh in agreement, and cause my weakness.
> "you're gonna do it...girl"

*No I am not. STOP. Look at that ladys dress, its uuuuuggllyyyy....

> "it's not IF but WHEN".

*Ya your right , we all gonna die sometime, but NOT SOON, my daughter NEEDS me. STOP! I like the smell of burning leaves, and sometimes incense is nice, but only certain kinds..

> "it is your destiny to die this way"

**Ya, SO, my friend muffled used to hear the SAME THING, and she's still here. STOP. Muffleds and oddball, but I like to talk to her and stuff....

> **"face it, you WILL give in eventually"

**NO! I am strong, I have a core of STEEL. I made it this far, I have the wonderous gift of my kid. STOP. My baby was so sweet today when she looked at me....
> **"stop fighting it"

**I will NEVER surrender, I have parts that are TOUGH. STOP! I wonder what special thing I can do this weekend??? Ice cream? What flavor is my fave? Cone or cup...

> "just give in, you'll feel so much better...everyone will"

**LIES, this is LIES. STOP! I'm gonna try that thing where you tie a helium balloon to my kids ankle, so its in her line of sight, and everytime she kicks, the balloon moves! its so funny....

> **"my words are stronger, than your will"

**You've tried this sh*t before. My will IS in fact stronger than keep pulling this dumb line...muffled says its a cheap dumb line. STOP. There was a cool documentary I saw the other day on elephants....apparently their poo doesn't stink at all....

> "you'll never be good enough to fight me"

**Thats B*LLSH*T. STOP! I take good care of my babby, she is clean and loved, I do my best for her....

> "ill be right there when you do it"

**Ya sure, then bail....ultimately, I will be alone, all alone. STOP. I like ice, I like how its cold and melts. Its water, but ..not. Its weird stuff.

> and just when you think you've won, i'll get you.

**Threats...I can take it, noboddy gonna take me down. STOP. I love those flowers, the pink ones...

> any suggestions?
> (i don't even know for what...the words, the thoughts, how to respond...

*I gave very rough suggestions, ones that fit me. Can you write down some, maybe several refutes for each saing? Ones that 'fit' you best, so maybe you will 'hear' them better?
Where is teen in all this? Maybe she could possibly be helpful?

> i just want everything to go away.

*yeah.....I hear ya.
Things WILL get better. Try and remember you in a bad place RIGHT now, but that it DOES get better, it does.

> somedays i feel i want to shoot the thoughts out of my head...

**Yeah...I almost did that once...glad I didn't...SO glad. But now I goto live w/the shame that I not allowed to possess a firearm :-( Oh well...But I AM glad I'm here.

> but then i won't live to enjoy the lack of 'noise'.

*Yeah, for me, some noise is OK, its kinda weird with no noise. Just managable noise is OK.
But those stupid f*ck*r voices ARE wrong, they are NOT inevitable. But PLEASE take seriously that there is possible danger and do what you need to do to protect yourself.Call T, be around people, not being alone, taking away things that harm, if you have a plan, tell T, hosp if absolutely necc JUST to stabilize...etc
I'm not sure what part you need to access, but maybe you could try for teen and ask her to talk to the voices for you? I dunno, you'll have to get T to help you with this part cuz I dunno how you interact with your parts so much.
Also, consider any med interactions as well.
My self injury was much worse on a certain med. One med gave me terrible finding the right med can take time. Also for me to get onto a med, I have to start at very very loe doses as they affect me very strongly.
Thats all I can think of in a practical sense.
I'm staying away from emotions these days.
Just know that you are important to me B2 and that I really do care bout you.
I dunno, if you think its safe or good(you could ask T, Toughie would even talk to your t if T wanted to know she's OK?)) I would be willing to have my Toughie talk to your teen if she wants. Either here, or b-mail, or on chat. Toughie is OK.
Take specially good care.
Can't say it gonna be easy, but CAN say that you do have within you what it takes to get thru this...




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