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Re: **STRONG TRIGGER***(suicide thougts) happyflower

Posted by B2chica on November 2, 2007, at 12:26:38

In reply to Re: **STRONG TRIGGER***(suicide thougts) B2chica, posted by happyflower on November 2, 2007, at 11:46:05

Happyflower, thank you so much.
but this is whats so "crazy" about all this..."I" DON'T WANT to die. i don't even feel at all suicidal right now. its just this whispered thought with a distinct sound (dare i say voice) that keeps saying this. and not at times when i'm hearing a sad song or something. it just comes. then it say things over and over.

its like when i was younger and dear 'mother' was berating me for whatever at the moment...after a while you just want to say "@#$(*& FINE...WHATEVER! YES i WAS doing xyz like you say...YES i am a xyz!) just to shut her up.
well, that's what i feel like with these words.
when i hear them i fight but its tiring..and i'm afraid that after a while..i'll just want to give in to shut him up...and he will win...and he will be right.

i'm scared of that!
its not like i WANT to die. (as in other times).
i feel like i have a person standing next to saying "your doing that wrong", see i'm right about this, so i'm right about the rest...You will die.

i'm just not sure what to do. distraction works a bit but it has to be a deep thought distraction. (ive been trying to do some analysis work and that sometimes helps.) but its just off and on.
i wish you could be here and just SCREAM IT at him!
maybe he'd listen if you and muffled got together and screamed it at him. you two are very strong!

i wish i could just 'call up' TEEN, and she could tell him off.
but i think she's more vulnerable to this than she lets on. so maybe its better shes not here.

i hope T gets email before weekend.

...oh well, but i guess there's nothing anyone can do anyway...




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