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Re: obsessing JoniS

Posted by muffled on November 1, 2007, at 12:54:17

In reply to obsessing, posted by JoniS on November 1, 2007, at 8:53:17

> He has been a little distant the last few months.

*he has sounded like a good person, he proly is struggling with leaving his clients too....

As I've benn worried that he wont come back, he has now assured me he will.

*well thats good!

>I am really concerned about him. I don't know why I am so obsessed about this and why his marriage status is so important to me. I don't want to see his marriage breakup, and I'm not delusional about stepping into her space if they breakup. But he does represent a lot of things to me that I don't have with my husband.

*T's are pretty huge in us long term clients lives, so potentially having him go away for a CHUNK of time would be very worrysome. I can see how it would be confusing to you as his real life is not matching up with what he says perhaps. Again this would be very disconcerting as we hold our T's in a special position.

>I really wish I could quit obsessing about this. I know the need for boundaries in the client-T relationship, but I also don't believe it is realistic that a T's personal life can be completely out of the T relationship.

*Well, the obsess thing seems to be cyclical, or lessesns with time in my experience. With stress its worse...
So maybe you can just accept the 'obsession'(your words) and let it be. Its OK. Might ease up some stress that way.
It certainly seems that you are 'in reality' bout how it is.
Boundaries can be SO important. I have a loose boundaried T. And she thot I was ready to quit T as I was 'done'. And her boundaries were looser yet. But then other 'stuff' finally was said, and so we continued, and have had to restablish some firmer boundaries, cuz for me, loose boundaries DON'T work when I am trying to do the stuff I am doing now. She needs to be more distant and less 'real' to me. So then I am less afraid of hurting her, and I am less 'obsessed' with how she is doing IRL. (really, I think obsess is overly strong, I think it is natural to be interested in someone you care about). So while it grates at times, I studiously do not ask her how her family is doing etc, and she doesn't mention it much either, though I think she finds it hard, cuz her 'style' is to have looser boundaries.So amazingly we have managed to re-establish the boundaries, I wasn't sure we could do so, but we have.
So I guess one thing, is it depends on what kind of 'work' you are doing with T, and I guess personalities etc, as far as boundaries go.

>I've been under the impression that a lot of you here are so close to your T that they might still tell you more about their situation but still keep adequate boundaries.

*For me, my T WOULD have told me that she eg, needed a break in order to strengthen their marriage or whatever. NOW, she tells me nothing, and its best that way for now.

>Should I just try and tell myself that it's his personal business and I just need to stop thinking about it?

*LOL! But WILL you stop!!!!???
Maybe you could put it across to him as, "i want to maintain boundaries, but I am 'obsessing' or worrying about how YOU are and that you are going to be OK." or something like that?
Its a BIG deal to have your T go away so long. I think you need some reassurance and mebbe a few basic facts from him in order to be able to be somewhat reassured.

>Last night I dreamed that I went to therapy and that he had his wife in there too. She was on his lap and he was reaching up her top and doing things way inappropriate. How strange is that?

*OMG! Now thats a wild dream? How did YOU feel about it in the dream? I'm not much good at interpreting dreams. That would be a bad dream for me.
Take care Joni. This sabbatical SUCKS.




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