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Re: bad childhood *possible triggers*

Posted by rskontos on October 31, 2007, at 11:47:52

In reply to Re: bad childhood *possible triggers* llurpsienoodle, posted by B2chica on October 31, 2007, at 11:26:00

YOu know Llurpsienoodle, your postings really hit a chord with me to the point I was going to post about my T but havent been able too. We talked about my childhood and my T has been validating for me how bad it was. I didn't realize it until I looked at the old photos when I was memory searching. My eyes where dead. I realized I must have just created a mother that I thought was good because I didnt really remember her being bad as my two sisters did. ONe ran away at 17 and accused me of not protecting her from them our parents but hell I was only 22 months older how do you protect your younger sister when you are a kid yourself. Then my younger sister spoke of her very troubling memories and they didn't connect with my "created" ones since I didn't actually have any. Funny how when you dissociate as much as I did and fugue all over the place, I lost so much time I just made up stuff to fit what a "good mom" was. I told my T I was mad that I had no memories. The photos only told me how unhappy a kid I was as I had no joy or nothing in my face all through my life! How sad. I have been inviting my inners to let me see the memories. One night they came up closer, I heard voices and saw a pretty girl, I heard the angry one, I call her mad one. I don't mean crazy I mean mad. Last night I sat in a corner of my mind and they started to float up but my H said something and it all vanished and that was it. But back to the thread and what Dory and B2c says it has helped me too to have the T confirm the horrible state of things because I never realized how bad it was. It always was bad so I guess I either only knew that or I just dissaociated so much I was numb to it. Either way she woke me up to the real feelings I needed to have to start to grow up in my adult feelings. I am not sure I am making any sense. I am still locked inside me head and not sure I can make sense just yet. But thanks for sharing it is helping me as this is the hardest journey I have ever started on and I think I will be here for a while. I understand too that our IRL families don't get it nor can most friends except those in the same boat. Unless like T they have training to understand it. My T went through it herself so her understanding is real. She even explained why the past remarked antigua's pdoc made had some validity to it. Unless she really needs to talk about the past there is a point where a therapy needs to help you move on. It helped me understand how therapy works and was just enough to help me with it all and make sense. She said it in a kind way. Again I hope I am not rambling. Thanks again, rk*




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