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I hate being in this spot

Posted by Maria01 on October 31, 2007, at 10:48:11

Hi All-
I haven't posted much; schoolwork has reached critical mass and that is taking most of my energy and time.

As some of you know, this year has been a living hell for me: Job loss, car theft, and a horrible termination by a T I had been working with for almost two years. This whole year has represented a personal low point for me.

I've been working with my "new" T since last May, right after getting terminated by my old T. Things have been going well..she's wonderful! She has really had her work cut out for her: I've lost nearly everything, and stand to lose more if I don't find work(I was able to find a new job shortly after losing my old one, but I was laid off from that job last month when the vet I was working for decided to reduce her hours and staff. Since I was the newest staff memeber, it made business sense to toss me first). My unemployment benefits expire next week. I have no job, no money, and soon, will have no place to live if things don't turn around for me. Needless to say, I'm depressed as hell. My credit rating is detroyed, my health is in the cr*pp*r, and mentally I'm just "done". My T has been more than supportive and has been wonderful about the whole thing.

So why do I feel like she is just Going Through the Motions and Doing Her Job? Monday's hour was no treat...I had no problem admitting I'm suicidal, and meds are not an option. (I don't have health care coverage, and I seriously doubt that some over-worked, underpaid county pdoc will be of any help). My T looked at me and said that she likes working with me because she can see the person beneath the hardships and defenses. She meant well, but it sounded like a cliche to me: After all, she wouldn't be in the industry if she couldn't see past her clients hardships and pain, right? So I looked at her and said " have seen much worse. You work with DV survivors, so you see women who have been beaten by their spuouses or partners. Give me a break. My situation is nothing compared to that." I wasn't hostile, but I made myself clear.

I left my session feeeling like she is now resorting to stock phrases and cliches, which is sad, but that's how I feel. I don't want to deal with yet another T who just goes through the motions. I'm pretty fortunate in some ways: No CSA, no personality disorders, no DID, none of that. Just pervasive depression. Feeling suicidal is such a part of daily life for me that I don't even take it seriously anymore. She knows this as well.

Does anyone else ever feel like their T just goes through the motions despite evidence to the contrary?




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poster:Maria01 thread:792512