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struggling w T caring

Posted by Dory on October 30, 2007, at 22:36:19

In reply to Re: no apologies, posted by rskontos on October 30, 2007, at 11:59:34

You guys are so great. :) Thank you.

this is a repeat issue but i can't help it.. i don't even know why it's such an issue... no, wait, i don't understand why it *isn't* more of an issue to others.. which alerts me that it may be important in a deeper way that i don't understand.

i start feeling angry and hurt at T.. i mean, yeah, he could feel bad when hearing a bad story.. but i start to feel like he's teasing me.. giving me glimpses of caring that i can't have. i cannot get past the rules of the relationship, or the paid-for caring. i want to.. i want to believe he means it when he says that what i tell him makes him feel really awful inside. i want to believe that dangling lure of caring. i want it so bad... but i can't.

it's just too much... if i care, then i have to be ok with knowing it will end, and i am not ok with losing someone i care about. If he cares... i just don't know what that means... i can't make it fit into my definition of caring **and** into a client/fee based relationship.

i can't make it make sense to me.

i mean.. i run the very real risk of losing everything now.. which includes T.. so, if i did lose everything, if i could no longer see him... what would happen? Where does my fragile little heart belong in that equation?

but he still lures me... he has what i want. i want someone to care, listen, laugh.. i want someone to understand the darker side of my life.. i want someone to feel what he says he felt.. not because i want him to be ill, but because it means something... it means what i said happened might really be bad afterall.. maybe it's not the "nothing" i thought.

so confused




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