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Re: Been thinking/sad faces

Posted by rskontos on October 29, 2007, at 11:46:55

In reply to Re: Been thinking/sad faces rskontos, posted by RealMe on October 28, 2007, at 20:59:41

I guess I am thinking too much but I am so angry that I know I mean I know yet but in my heart I think something really BAD happened between my mother and me and no one stopped it, my father, my aunts, my uncle, my grandparents, they all knew she had problems they created them my grandparents and her grandfather but no denial is what they all practiced and for those still living still do, she was mentally ill but they let her alone with us and never checked to see if we her children we ok. My photos should we weren't. Our eyes should have shown them we were dead inside we needed something but no nothing. I have no memories of my relationship with me mom. I can only remember a handful of times with my family period. Someone inside of me had them but won't let me have them yet. Maybe never. I am asking for help to access them. Maybe in time. When we all feel safer. I guess the lack of memories tell me all I need to know. How much I dissociated at the time. All the time I guess. But why would I still not have any inkling of my relationship with her. I know she died almost 20 years ago but shouldn't I remember something? I guess this is what I am going to talk about in T tonight. It is driving me crazy this lack of memories. The past is affecting me now and I can't remember it to put it too rest. I also don't feel anything for my father. I know I should love him but when I look inside nothing. A big zip. When I tell my H that he says I don't mean it. But I do. I think when my aunt told me all she did about my mother it finally broke the hold she had over me. I think she had an unhealthy hold over me that even dead she still had. I told me T this last week but when she probed me I clammed up. I didn't want to go there yet. Maybe I do now. I think my abuse was my whole life. Even after she died she had a hold over me. That only recently was broken. I want to end it finally. But I don't have the memories to do so. I am mad though at least not depressed at the moment.

Realme and Dory thanks for your posts. They mean alot to me. They got me thinking which led me to the mad state I am in now. It is better than the numb slump I was in. I will overcome this I will. rk




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