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Re: it happened

Posted by Dory on October 28, 2007, at 21:39:56

In reply to Re: it happened » Dory, posted by Dinah on October 28, 2007, at 11:20:07

thank you dinah.. your repsonse is very well thought-out.. i appreciate it.. i'm not good at thinking right now. oddly.

my family... *sigh. They love me, i think, in their own way.. well, some of them do.. but they are not a resource for me other than possible emergency food money or something like that. My relationship with and within my family is a lot of the reason i am in therapy when it comes down to it. i tell them as little as possible or i end up helping them "help" me.

i have an appt with someone at school who can give me guidance with logistics. She's a wonderful woman who has proven invaluable throughout the past couple of years. She is well aware of my situation. In fact.. she got me in with my first T and she knows my current one. She's had "experience" of her own with all of this. i trust her advice.

i've got klono..which is useless now. 6mg and nothing happens. pdoc said not to go above that. i may call him tomorrow and ask he switch me back to ativan.. i find it works better for me.

the fortunate thing is that i have spent months thinking about the logistics of different scenarios... the trouble is that i am too emotional to be very effective at anything.. the existing logistics are helpful. Nothing in my immediate world has to change - yet. It will, but i do have some time to figure out what and when.

one person.. finances.. i have no idea.. i don't know. i hope that woman i mentioned above can direct me.

i have a T appt on Tuesday, and i know i can call him if i need to. i needed him friday night and saturday, but no weekend access... what we have decided to do is focus on keeping me from fracturing.. keep my focus on what made this whole scenario unfold at all. i found the last session very helpful... it reconnected me with the pain... it reminded me in a visceral way why i am where i am. It's easy to disconnect with time and distance from events... easy to dismiss and forget. Reconnecting forced me to look again.

frozen with indecision is where i have been for over a year, more really... but a year of therapy frozen this way... it *is* an awful place to be.. the one and only good thing out of all of this right now... is that i feel a little bit free of the decision, just a bit but i think it's growing. If i were to change my decision right now, right this second, i could do so from a better place mentally... making that one HUGE decision made that difference. That is a little reassuring... to know that my head is clearer on that *one* thing.

remember that finger eleven song - "one thing?"

"If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds"

i am doing my best to stay safe.. it is a little easier this time around because i am in my own place. i did get permission to skip class friday, but otherwise i have stayed engaged with my schoolwork.. which is *very* different from before i started therapy. i tell my T that i am not a lover of CBT because i go backwards.. i need to address and take care of the vulnerable emotions and when i have a place for that i can do the cognitive stuff myself most of the time. Right now is overload.

i went and did my photoshoot this morning, against the will of every cell in my body. i took my photographer out for brunch afterwards. i curl up in a ball on the corner of my bed in the corner of my room...

i just wish i had just one person, IRL, who would just hold me and let me cry




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