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Re: Allowed to HUG my Therapist????

Posted by moonlightsonata on October 28, 2007, at 19:34:23

In reply to Re: Allowed to HUG my Therapist????, posted by I need a hug on October 28, 2007, at 0:33:51

I love your name! And I love knowing I'm not alone. My problem is that, compared to many people, I am alone. I don't know why. Although I am a bit of an introvert, I get along with people very well, and am able to make friends easily. Sometimes, being social just tires me out, and it's "easier" to just be by myself....easier in the short term, but heading for disasterous consequences in the long run if I stay alone forever and isolate myself.

I, too, have struggled with depression for over 5 years, and with an eating disorder for the better part of my life. I was anorexic in high school, and then went to the opposite extreme once I started college. I felt I had to "eat to survive" the intensity of was hard being away from home, and I went from being valedictorian of my high school, to just a small fish in a huge pond at college, where everyone was brilliant. So I ate to cope, and put on 10 lbs every year since then.

And now, at the prospect of losing my therapist, I've been really struggling with food. It comforts me in my aloneness, and wont judge me. sometimes I can't believe that my T can look at me and not be utterly repulsed. She accepts me in ways others don't, and I can't bear losing that. I feel it's even harder building up a social circle given my insecurities about my weight. So I'll be all alone once I lose her, and I can't bear thinking about it.

She's been out of town 2 weeks, and it's been a very difficult period for me. It's always hard when she's away, but this time, I actually had to call the doctor covering her practice because of an emergency, and I've never had to do that before. I want to fall at her feet Tuesday when I see her, I want to fall apart and cry and have her hold me....but I'm so scared to do that....scared even to fall apart and cry because I always have to have "everything together" on the outside, adn it's hard to even show my T all my feelings and my dark side. Food helps me hold it all together, except that it's getting to where it's not a secret because the weight is starting to show on the outside, adn it's a shameful shameful thing.

Anyway, thanks for your support.
Please write back.




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poster:moonlightsonata thread:790537