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Re: How it went... twinleaf

Posted by RealMe on October 27, 2007, at 1:30:43

In reply to How it went... RealMe, posted by twinleaf on October 27, 2007, at 1:01:39

***I went in with the same goal as you, but my hour was completely different! We spent a lot of time- about half- talking about what it was like to look at one another (as compared to my looking away). We just explored all the moment-by-moment aspects of it- did it seem too aggressive to look, or too intimate. Was I afraid that I might see in his face that he didn't like me, or, more frightening, would I see that he did? Did I know what he looked like when I wasn't looking at him? (not very clearly). I haven't seen too many, if any, people writing here about something like this, but I can say that for me it was extremely valuable. It seemed like I've been wanting to find out these basic things my whole life- and now I have a chance to at least explore the questions. He never actually answers anything- but he doesn't need to, really. There aren't any anwers that can be given in words.***
What you write just really strikes me as I used to talk about that with my therapist from Menninger's, and I have thought about it with current therapist. I can still picture my old T from Menningers even though he is deceased and I had not seen him in probably 8 years.

I am not sure why, if it is the ECT or not, but I have trouble remembering what my therapist looks like between sessions even. I have had some trouble at work too with seeing someone and knowing I know that person but for the life of me not remembering who they are. I suspect that is the ECT. Anyway, I had a picture of my old T from Menninger's (from a unit scrape book--I grabed it out when he left on vacation for a month). Otherwise I did not think I could keep him in mind and remember what he looked like--a different reason than now. Part of me wants to ask my therapist for a picture of him so I don't forget what he looks like especially if I decide to lie on the couch. I am just too embarrassed to ask him though. Maybe I should get my phone out during a session and pretend to look something up and take his picture. God how weird is that to even think. Oh crap, I will just say something to him about it all and see what he says.

Yes, for abuse survivors, it is very easy to read into someone's face, eyes what is not really there. I say things to my T like, "You look angry," and he says stuff like, "Tell me more about that," and then of course I make a face, and he laughs. I do try though to figure out why I am seeing that in his face or eyes when I know it really isn't there.

I think I would like your T too.





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