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Re: today is the day

Posted by Dory on October 25, 2007, at 19:17:35

In reply to today is the day, posted by Dory on October 25, 2007, at 10:37:57

(((((((((My T))))))))))

he is so good. and damn him, he **almost** had me cry!!! i don't cry often, i never cry in front of people unless it's a pretty extreme situation... to almost have me cry in a quiet room with him sitting right there.. wow.. someone give this man an award. Why can't he just do a good job but be completely unlikable?

session went well, if you define the above as well.. it was hard. The thing i hate about this the most is that it's an hour.. how the f*ck am i supposed to do any of this in an hour? i can't even explain anything in an hour, much less do the lead-in and decompress after... or the much needed processing during. i feel like i am having surgery in parts... part one cut open... leave open and bleeding for week.. part two, cut into painful organs and leave open for another week.. repeat until patient is cured or dead.

we talked about my recent past... the past several years have been rough. It's going to take some time to wade through... it was so painful to talk about, more painful to have to stop an hour after starting. i need to dig into the things that happened to me, what was right, wrong, my fault, someone else's fault... why it happened and why i let it happen.

i have real problems.. it's that thing again, sometimes i know something is wrong somehow, but i feel responsible so that overrides any ability to protect myself or stop it from happening again and again.

and he did something important... he gave it a name. He said that i don't need to defend that name to anyone... especially people who think "it's not that bad." He said i don't have to justify how i feel to **anyone** and it's not my issue if they don't understand. He said.. this is hard... he said that it would be harder to come up with reasons why i would *not* feel as i do... it was easy for him to understand why i felt so much pain and anguish and fear.

he said that comparisons to other things were irrelevant the best of times, but in this case he felt what i went through was as bad as any other "version" of it.. he said " fact, it's worse because it's so much easier to dismiss it." Amen.

i'm sorry. i don't mean to go on like that.. i don't want to hold it up like some weird banner.. i am just in disbelief you know? It's a news flash to me. i'm repeating it trying to make myself grasp it.

don't know how tonight is going to go.




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