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Re: dealing with trauma...(very long) **trigger** twinleaf

Posted by RealMe on October 24, 2007, at 22:57:07

In reply to dealing with trauma...(very long) RealMe, posted by twinleaf on October 24, 2007, at 11:10:36

Thanks twinleaf. I guess what I do with my T is not all that different. I feel myself closer and then I get angry with him, and he asked me what I thought it was about one time, and I said it scares me to feel too close, and I have to push you away. Some time goes by on this topic, and then I get to the stuff from when I was younger. I always hate to even though I know it is necessary as I do feel as if I am back there again, and I start sobbing. I also know I was looking for someone to care about me, a male, asI had no father or at least not one who was ever around. I wanted love and caring from my mother too, but she was unavailable emotionally, and so I turned to males, more than one, who seemed to care but obviously just wanted sex.

I saw a woman the other day, and she upset me more than the sex offenders. She was physically beaten as a child, sexually molested by her minister and by a school bus driver, and when she was 16 and she came home from a party, her father had locked her out and put all her belongings on the front porch. She went to stay with a cousin, and then met a guy two years older who invited her to come and live with him at his home with his parents. Then began the beginning of the end. He was pimping her out so that she was having sexual encounters with as many as 10 men in an evening. He was one of many men who pimped her out over the years, and she had two arrests for prostitution. Why don't they ever arrest the guys. Anyway, she also got into drugs and was speed balling. She has needle tracks all over her arms and likely elsewhere. She does not want to know if she is HIV positive. She has as oon and is thinking of going back with the father of her son, a man who beat her senseless on more than one occasion and who pimped her out for 17 years. Sh*t. She has been to prison twice for drug charges, and now she may go again--as if that will help her. I had to ask the questions, but I had a really hard time doing so and sort of did not want to know the answers. Twice for sure I noted she dissociated on me, and her memory is very little for the past, her younger years and later. I am trying to determine how much is from the abuse, how much from the drugs, and how much from having her head battered repeatedly since childhood.

In some ways I feel ashamed that I have so much trouble, but I know my situation was something a lot of people would be horrified by too. I don't know sometimes. My T thinks that the people I see are triggering me, and he is right to a certain extent. I don't want this to happen as it is my job. Even the other day I saw a young guy for something like a DUI, and he had had ECT almost two years ago and continues to have word finding difficulties, problems with short-term memory and concentration, etc. just as I do. This really triggered me too as I thought after 6 months my working memory would be better, but it is not. Have to do notes after therapy or I would not remember from one time to the next even though I go twice per week. Enough.

I think it is important to do the work in therapy, but it sure doesn't feel good when it spills over into my work. Interesting what your T said about colleagues and therapy. I never worked with my T from Menninger's, and so I guess that was good. Only on one occasion he was the consultant on a case where I had done the psychological testing. He asked me ahead of time if it would be a problem for me (seeing as it was a one time thing). I said no, but I was a wreck when I had to talk about the psych testing in the meeting. He would have turned down being the consultant if I had said it would bother me. After that he was never even remotely involved with any cases I was involved with.





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