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Re: need help

Posted by Dory on October 24, 2007, at 18:23:02

In reply to Re: need help, posted by llurpsienoodle on October 24, 2007, at 15:25:59

thanks ((((helpers))))

there is no set time frame, it's going to happen over a period of time.. it's building now and will basically explode soon... but no idea exactly when. No worries about not being here or there at specific times... it's going to be a longer haul than one day.

it's already starting i guess.. binge eating/no eating... too nervous to eat, or eating for comfort.. got into a skirmish with some *ssh*l* on my way home because my patience is about zero. i am very quiet when like this.. and will avoid people altogether generally.. but if i am provoked i am not something you want to be dealing with.. it's a case of getting more than you bargain for.

no worries for you guys ... i have an out.. i can easily walk away.. i'm not cornered. But my apologies ahead of time if i am not as kind as possible.

i'm already cutting myself off from people as much as i can... because i cannot process or interact and it isn't safe for them either. i will hurt people.. i don't mean to or want to.

i did really crappy at my midterm review today. i just stammered and was poorly prepared.

my body feels like i weigh 1000lbs.. so heavy. can't tolerate stimulus.

stormy outside. stormy inside.

i know what is coming for me... i know that fear so well that i am afraid of the fear itself. i know all about the weeks of massive panic attack after panic attack, the nausea, inability to eat, total somatic panic... i know all about the day after day of inability to think or function, the inability to do much else other than sleep. The nightmares. The aloneness. The horrible crushing fear.

so right now i am a lot like the dogs in the "learned helplessness" experiements. Look them up if you don't know about them. i am just laying there.. waiting for the pain with quiet despair, knowing it's coming and i can't get away.

in fact... to get away would almost be worse. Maybe those dogs secretly hoped for euthanasia




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