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Allowed to HUG my Therapist????

Posted by moonlightsonata on October 21, 2007, at 19:33:18

I've been in therapy with a wonderful psychiatrist who has helped me tremendously, and I dread having to leave her when I move away in a few months. She is the second therapist I've had, and I came to her when my relationship with my former therapist fell "fell apart," I mean that a lot of boundaries were crossed, and the first therapist finally realized we couldn't continue. In the final months of that therapy, she started talking me into going with her to meet a faith healer, who she believed would cure me of an illness (I was seeing her to help with feelings of depression surrounding this chronic illness). She was this prim, proper, incredibly intelligent, sharp as a razor, well-read, highly professional woman in every way....everything about her seemed together, and she couldn't be crazy. Normally, I would be the last person open to seeing some faith healer in the desert, but the fact that this professional woman I trusted completely and admired with all my heart....the fact that it was her idea...somehow it seemed okay. Well, needless to say, I was not cured, and entered an even more profound depression. And I guess because I'd traveled with this woman, and shared a hotel room with her, and the fact that she kept telling me I was "like the child she never had"....I became far too needy. When we returned, I'd call her too much, and always ask for sessions, just too needy overall....because I couldn't deal with the intensity of my depression and despair at having to accept (yet again, as if from square one) that I'd never be cured of my disease. And at some point, this therapist got overwhelmed by my neediness, and she just cut our relationship off....saying that she felt she couldn't help me, that my problem was far grander than she could deal with, etc.

Now, I was a college student in my mid-20s at the time (a girl) ...but on some strange level, I think I "fell in love" with this first therapist." Not "in love" in any sexual way, but I fell in love with her intellect, her professionalism(I wanted to be like her), and with the promise (however irrational) that I could be cured of my disease. When she terminated so abruptly, I felt I would literally die.

So then I found this other therapist (the one I'm currently seeing and afraid of leaving), and she helped me get over the trauma (b/c that's what it was) and the despair of letting myself believe in a miracle that would never happen. Having heard the story about my previous therapist, she probably created firmer boundaries with me. We've never hugged, none of that.....but it was an incredibly healing and supporting relationship, and one I'm vey scared of leaving.

I've always been rather an introvert, never very social, and I've devoted so much of my time to studying and career. Friendships always took the back burner....this is something I'm starting to regret. One of the issues I've dealt with with this current therapist is my immense sense of being alone in the world. In some ways, this therapist is a central figure in my life. Sometimes I'm ashamed of this....thinking it's abnormal to feel closer to yout therapist than your friends. Some weeks I feel like I live for my sessions, like I can't wait to get there....and when I see her, I feel safe and protected and less alone.

Now, I'll be horrendously alone when I move away. And before I go, all I want to do is hug this current therapist....something I've never done, and something I long to do for reasons I dont' understand. i feel I'll be devastated if I don't but I'm afraid she won't allow it, that it'll be "against her rules," and I couldn't deal with the rejection of asking her and having her say no.

I know I've written a ton, and all over the place, but I was wondering if anyone else ever felt any of these things, and if so, please write.




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poster:moonlightsonata thread:790537