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Re: all alone Daisym

Posted by Dory on September 15, 2007, at 13:45:13

In reply to Re: all alone, posted by Daisym on September 15, 2007, at 12:07:35

i'm a nonreligious Buddhist, i practice Shambhala... so i have a decent understanding of the ultimate aloneness we must bear. No two souls can ever truly know each other within this existence. It's a sadness there, in that fact but it is just a part of a philosophy that is also freeing... right now though i have a rough road to walk. My path has been rough for too long now. If i can do nothing else i want to stop doing the things that i do to make my own road harder.

the connection, as imperfect as it by nature must be... is so powerful and i wish for it more than anything. Love is such a simple thing and so hard to get.

what you are speaking of is what Buddhists call refuge... and in vows that they take they promise to give refuge to others. It really has some beautiful concepts. i want refuge like you talk about... a place to just be held and rest, emotionally.

what is tragic is that the nature of my history causes me to be inable to ask... the fear of rejection, anger and abandonment is stronger...or rather louder.. than the desire for comfort from another. i long for closeness.. mental, emotional closeness... not like a romantic thing, not at all.. deeper and yet less dangerous. i just want someone to know me, really know me...and still care anyway. But i cannot ask. i cannot ask for gentleness or tenderness... and i can't stress enough that what i want is not physical or sexual, it's within the appropriate boundaries i think. i want gentleness in tone, and tenderness in words, body language and expression. But i cannot ask.

asking is wrong. asking is dangerous. asking is for those who are not damaged.

asking would also change it's meaning... what i would treasure deeply is tenderness that came of it's own accord... because it would be more genuine to me.

i'm sorry... this is rambling and stupid.


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