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**abuse triggers** so sorry. Honore

Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 13, 2007, at 19:14:38

In reply to Re: okay now serious- consequences? LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Honore on September 13, 2007, at 18:47:13

My literary friend, you are a genius...

> Well, I don't know what it means-- but it seems related to seeing your T outside the office, if only because you think it is. Plus that was something that affected you greatly.

The timing is uncanny, and before when T has been in my dreams it's like a vague presence, not a real interaction like this.

> Maybe you're reversing things-- and you felt shirtless or vulnerable;

I'm *always* vulnerable

>maybe the men were vulnerable, or seemed vulnerable, and you saved them-- and the regret has something to do with the idea that your father is also vulnerable-- I have this memory that that's been in other dreams you've had. just a guess, of course.

The regret is that my father is decrepit and vulnerable yet he clings on to life, when perhaps it's not the ideal situation. I've come to terms with my homocidal urges. They used to cause me great guilt, anxiety and shame. Now they only cause me a little guilt anxiety and shame.

> It's hard to know about T=dad-- maybe you're afraid he'll turn out to be that, or you wish he'd turn out to be that--so then you could leave, or at least would know how to act, ie as you do with your dad. it could be anything.

So, llurpsie's dad has 3 phases to his adult life as I've known him.

ActI there was the first 25 years of my life where he was quirky and goofy at best, and in a furious uncontrolled rage at worst.
Act II he lost large chunks of neocortex and diffuse damage caused personality changes. He was weak and decrepit and meek as a lamb. sentimental and foggy memoried. easily confused. easy to abandon, although the guilt would have been overwhelming.
Act III the amazing plasticity of the CNS helps dad climb out of his meek little self and now his cognitive powers and nasty moods restored inhabit this nasty decrepit body (which he doesn't groom or anything. revolting)

If T turned out to be my dad I'd walk out the door and never look back. so, yeah- I WOULD know how to act. Or, maybe it would give me a chance to reconcile my adult self (who doesn't get beaten up) with the pre-decrepit dad (who decided not to beat me up sometime when my older brother took over that duty-- modelling prosocial behavior, a few years too late, hmm?)

> Why were there two men in the dream, do you think? Two sides of your dad? or possibly your dad and someone else?

I think the other man was a shadowy figure G. that had a coercive friendship with my dad about 5 years ago, reducing my dad to an infantile abused child in a man's body. Gotta say, this abuse thing really does span generations. The good news is that G. is dying from a very painful kind of cancer. Soon his children will be liberated.

>just wondering if it wasn't already your T (although not necessarily, of course).

possible... still considering it

> Dreams are so interesting, though, don't you think? I really find them fascinating.

I like them too, except when they scare me and make me doubt my reality. when dreams invade the waking mind is when I usually get to discuss taking neuroleptics with the pdoc.

hmmm. disturbing.

thanks for your thoughtful reply. you're such a smartie.




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