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OK so am U the only meathead?***negativity trigg**

Posted by muffled on September 12, 2007, at 22:27:23

Cuz during T, the phone rang LOUD, I mean REALLY loud, right in front of me, we were both sitting at her desk, with me on the outside so I wouldn't feel trapped, I DIDN'T feel trapped, it was OK, just kinda weird, and I kinda, well I dunno, but then she reaches for it, to turn it off, she DID check the number, which I am fine with, then it rang AGAIN on vibrate mode, and I didn't hear that, but anyhow, at one point, dunno if it was when she was reaching for phone, but, damn, well, well I guess I surprized myself cuz I didn't think I was all that tense or bothered, but when she came near me, SH*T, I think if she had touched me, I'm not entirely sure I wouldn't have hit her, in self defense. I was so shocked when I realized this, and the session kinda faded out some from there, cuz I went to kid mode cuz I guess I was so distressed by my reaction. I dunno. Its fuzzy. I would like to think I would never hit another human being except in desparate circumstances...but i guess some part of me was terribly frightened, and it passed. But its SO NOT me. I dunno why i get like this.
Now if she wants me to sit at desk with her...damn, I dunno. God I feel like SUCH a FREAK.
I'd put this outta my head, burt now I remembered.
Should I say something to T, I WON'T lie, but she can't ask either....cuz she don't know...
WHAT do I do next time if we sit at desk?
Will it be enuf if I make sure her phone is off cuz it is SO LOUD?
Or mebbe she can sit on one side and me on the other......I somehow doubt I could pull that off w/o telling her why...
I dunno.
I feel freakizoid.
WHY am I a freakazoid?
I got NO excuses.
I just stupid.
Stpid and dumb.
I wished I had a different brain.
I wished I didn't have bad emotions.
I wished SO BAD I was just ME.
One descisive clear voice.
I wished I knew who I am.
I wished I knew why I am the way I am.
I wished to never know either anyhow.
I wish.
I wish noboddy ever got hurt.
And God would come down and get all the bad people and make them dead.
I wish we could all just have happy inside mostly and no bad.
I wished there was NO "BAD".
Thats all




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