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Re: work; relationships and inconsistent personali

Posted by anotherpam on September 9, 2007, at 1:03:50

In reply to Re: work; relationships and inconsistent personali, posted by Deus_Abscondis on September 8, 2007, at 10:10:06

Thanks Deus. What you said was helpful to me and I might even copy it and reread waht you said. I guess it was also comforting because I can see you get what I was expressing; that in and of itself is everything in life for me; but being acceptable and accepted by others has meant I change to comply with their views. This is making me acceptable beause of what I do; not who I am. That makes sense to me.

You wrote: "Being for others can be disturbing if you don't define yourself independently of them." It is exhausting and I learned this behavior almost as an infant. I have a huge history of abuse and I am conditioned to deal with my feelings by how I feel or am when with certain people. Yes, i have abilities and itnerests that are constant and I like that. What I keep changing is whether I am sullen; silly; energetic; talkative; mute; contemplative; funny; flirty; prudish; knowledgable or ignorant. Knowing that others do the same; that somehow my past is not something that I have to irradicate to have connections, but that can be just a part of who I am; that would ease my life up a bit. I keep sensing that I have to be someone that wasn't abused; that I am consistent; that doesn't crave a way to feel better; that is always on task; etc etc. Statistically, I should be an addict; and divorced more than once. I am depressed so that's inline with "normal" for me. I want to be one of the normal, attractive, popular and self confident people that go out after work; have friends over, etc. I don't like being alone and meaningless; so serious; etc. I don't like my lifestyle at all. For me, it is pointless. i was told not to make friends in the hospital becuase in it, we are safe; outside, the relationships could be detrimental to our recovery and therapy. I can see that, but I dont' think anyone will ever be able to understand and tolerate me if they haven't dealt with their hard core issues or if they never had any to begin with.

I get a lot of adivice not to be so negative etc. I am falling asleep; I'm probably making no sense. It's 1 am! good night; ill write when I am coherent someday. thanks for your ideas!

what I want in any situation is the sense of being alive; if I am with people, I don't look for perfection but for connection so it is mutual. My marriage anhialated my sense of being real but it is so hard to explain. I want to recover but it'll take a while.




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