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Re: Muffled and anyone.... crap continued DAisym

Posted by Dory on September 8, 2007, at 23:30:32

In reply to Re: Muffled and anyone.... crap continued, posted by DAisym on September 8, 2007, at 22:46:17

As usual Daisy you have written something very thoughtful... thank you.

> For a very long time - years and years - I desperately wanted to just not be unhappy. I wasn't asking God to grant me joy and happiness, I was asking that the load be reduced to a managable amount. I'm not sure if I didn't believe I could be happy or if I didn't deserve it, I just knew it felt like too much to ask.

exactly. i don't know and don't care which, i know that happiness is beyond what i am aiming for now. One time, yes, i would have expected happiness, but not at this point in life. i just want life to not be an exhausting tornado... a continuous disaster that sucks the life energy from my soul.
> Therapy has helped me begin (a tini-tiny bit)to believe I might be allowed to be happy. And for awhile I wanted my therapist or the therapy itself to be the source of that happiness. But the truth is, happiness has to be found within one's self and one's life. I know this sounds trite. And believe me, I know it isn't easy.

i do know this. i know therapy can't be my happiness, nor give me happiness or anything like that. i do know that happiness is an inside deal... but i also know i don't have it. There isn't any happiness in me nor the makings of it. But like i said above, i'm not hoping for that anyway, just hoping for the intense pain and exhaustion to stop.

> Your therapist is just one man. If you give him all the power - for your happiness, your security...for your life - he is sure to fail. And then by default, you fall into the abyss. If you make him part of your team, a piece of your support, the mistakes he does make won't hurt as much.

this sounds very lovely daisy... but what does it mean to make him a part of my team? He admits it to me all the time as well, i have very few good, nondestructive coping skills. It's a team of one and he's it i'm afraid. i'm pathetic i guess.
> I'm not saying he didn't make a mistake. I'm just saying that it doesn't negate everything he does do well that helps you.
> Hang in there.

i'm trying. we talked about that... that one breach of trust doesn't mean he is untrustworthy.. but that all sounds good on paper right? it's the head trying to tell the heart what to do... the head understands the mistake and the good things too, but the heart feels the pain and doesn't understand.

what i want most from him is that element that struck me when your T said he didn't want you to committ suicide because he'd miss you. Such a simple act. And that element could be shown in a variety of very kosher ethical ways.

thanks daisy




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