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Muffled and anyone.... crap continued

Posted by Dory on September 8, 2007, at 22:13:30

Posted by muffled on September 6, 2007, at 22:01:50

In reply to Re: Thinking of you, posted by Dory on September 6, 2007, at 7:11:10

maybe. i am just so deeply depressed now.
so many hard choices in my life
so much to carry
you know that
people say i can't do it all
but what else can i do?
is there any other choice i don't know about?
you live or you die and this is what my life is

>Well Dory, you got reasons for being depressed,

>wassup w/you and T other than perhaps you are feeling betrayed by him?

-very betrayed. i need him to be immovable, a firm anchor. i cannot do anything about the major life crisis without that solid support. i need to be able to call for reassurance or i will come to a dead stop, ****and*** i need to be able to count on what he says... if he makes a rule, a boundary or whatever the f*ck he wants to call it then he has to make it solid. That's the point right? How do i know he won't change other rules? How do i know he'll ever do or not do things he says? How can i see him as stable and predictable?

>That maybe you smacked into a boundary wall and its really a trigger for you and you hurting?

the schema stuff i am reading talks about how sometimes a T's ideas will backfire because they might misread or not understand a particular schema... which means they use the wrong approach. Pulling away from someone with an emotional deprivation schema is a bad idea for example. i just don't understand this choice of his... without preparation or discussion.

>Do you think you can explain or show some of what you have written to him? There's been some very eloquent writings...

i don't know what parts to show him. i gave him the paragraph about the bird, but i don't know what else to give him. i feel like it's all rambling b*llshit

>AS for whether a T give a crap bout us

that's ok. i know where i stand with him. i'm on the side that doesn't believe that they care... i mean they do, but it's a rigid cold caring and a lot of pretend. When you really care about someone the "boundaries" are different. It's not even just the pay/fee part of it... it's the b*llshit... some T's got it right and maybe they care... but in my book caring means more than what most T's do. but that is just me. i know he doesn't care, he acts caring, big difference but that's his job.

>Do you think your meds are correct at this time? Do mebbe they need a tweak? Or is this depression more situational do you think?

my meds are being adjusted, but i got docs arguing about them with me in the middle. That doesn't help one bit. i know, and i can't post why but i know, that part of my depression could be alleviated through med adjustments that i can't get anyone to do.

But you know most of my circumstance... what do you think? How could anyone get through this without depression? Just the medical dx's alone are doc just looked at me and said that anyone who lived with this much pain would be depressed. Nice.

>when we realize that the T can't save us :-( BUT, though its dissapointing, they WILL teach us how to save ourselves, accept ourselves, love ourselves, and treat our own selves with dignity , compassion, and respect.

This is what i tell my T seems empty to me. It looks like a wasteland. i don't want him to save me... ? i don't understand that part. i want him to be my catalyst for now and he said that was reasonable. The rest is whatever it is.. i don't believe, like really believe, that deep feelings can be changed and so i'm just aiming for something functional.

Thanks muffled




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