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Re: And I quit group... RealMe

Posted by Racer on September 8, 2007, at 16:02:13

In reply to Re: And I quit group... Racer, posted by RealMe on September 8, 2007, at 14:47:26

> Only one little comment. Would helping the group so to speak help you? Is that something that would facilitate your growth? If not, toss this.
>
>

Weeeellllll....

On the one hand, of course it would help me to speak up in a safe place. That would certainly be a growth opportunity for me. It would also be a good boost to my general feeling of being OK and having value, to know that I kept the group alive by being there, and helped its growth by opening my mouth.

It would also be very, very risky for me right now, to speak up, because I'm afraid of hearing terrible things coming back at me for doing so. I have this emotional vision of saying it and being attacked in a way that I just couldn't handle right now.

I also have a very strong fear that if I did say what I wanted to say, other people in the group might say something back like, "that's just not a very nice thing to say," or "you're no better with what you say," or something like that. (One of my fears is being as obnoxious to other people as I find this woman to be.)

Bottom line, though: right now, I really don't want to put myself out there in order to help anyone other than myself. Either the group will survive until I can decide to rejoin, or it won't. My T said that that isn't my responsibility -- might be nice if I could really feel as though I wasn't stabbing it in the heart by leaving -- and selfish as it feels to me right now, I want to take care of myself in this one. That means stopping the group right now.

Maybe I'll go back. Maybe I won't.

Another reason I'm not finding the group nearly as helpful right now is age related: an awful lot of what I'm going through right now the rest of the group just cannot relate to. Some of what they say just adds to my feeling that I'm isolated and that others aren't understanding. Guess that's the problem when a middle aged woman has a young woman's disease, huh?


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