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Re: How is your therapy??

Posted by Wittgenstein on September 8, 2007, at 5:29:49

In reply to Re: How is your therapy?? Wittgenstein, posted by RealMe on September 7, 2007, at 19:54:49

Thanks for asking RealMe. I only tried lying down twice. A few weeks ago I bought a book co-written by my T and one of his former patients. It was an account of the experience of therapy from the side of the analyst and the analysand. The book isn't published in English. Anyway, the client had asked my therapist many questions that I had had on my mind but hadn't dared to ask. It was really helpful in a way for me to pluck up the courage to ask things that I'd been holding back. One question was about using the couch instead of sitting.

Anyway, the first time I tried the couch it was a really sunny day and there is a skylight just above and the light was too bright. I have glaucoma and various other eye problems so I can't tolerate too much light. After about 10 minutes I got up and sat back down in the chair and he moved back to his normal position (he had been sitting at the head of the couch). I'm not sure whether he thought it was just about the light but it honestly was (incidentally, I was born with cataracts - I hope the new glasses help in the mean time before you have yours removed). I commented that I would bring my sunglasses to the next appointment and try the couch again.

So the next time I tried the couch again but I felt I wasted the session. To be honest there were things I wanted to talk about but couldn't - and maybe lying down served as an extra distraction - the appointment was also in the afternoon rather than the morning and I felt exhausted. I could have just fallen asleep lying there! I felt really sad afterwards - missed him terribly - and while lying there, although he was very close by, I missed being able to glance over at him for reassurance (even though I mostly stare at the ground or have my eyes closed!). Afterwards I sent him a mail explaining the things I'd been holding back on and also wrote of my experiences with the couch and he said I was welcome to try it again if I wanted but either way, sitting or lying, was fine.

I think it's great you have built the trust to move a little closer to your T. It's interesting how intense your last session ended up being - you were so brave and open - I wish I could be that way more often with my T. I would find the dilemma of where to sit (chair, or couch and which end of the couch) a real problem - I'm glad I just have one chair to sit in, and perhaps at some point I will try the couch again but right now I still need to have his face in view - I suppose something to do with my fear that he thinks I'm a liar.

I've been trying to work through some of my feelings toward my mother and the years of abuse - it's brought up a lot of pain the last weeks - I have also felt angry for the first time - my T's done well at reassuring me when I repeatedly worry that he doesn't believe me or finds me ridiculous, pathetic or not worthy - I doubt myself - it's such a separate part of me and the way it was (and still is as my parents are still in my life) all denied and kept hidden leaves me sometimes feeling like it's all in my imagination. I easily feel overwhelmed, tending to distance myself from how I felt as a child and even very recent events - of course with therapy we have to face our early traumas in full colour - and of those of us with the abusers still in our lives and still essentially 'the same', how to cope with this.

I see my T on a Tuesday and Friday, which suits me well - it must feel like ages waiting from Friday to Wednesday. I'm sorry you're hurting so much and hopefully you can retain the connection through next week with one meeting instead of two. I think if I could afford to meet 3 times a week I would ask for it although therapy makes me exhausted and tends to affect that whole day. Actually I feel exhausted most of the time anyway - I finally arranged an appointment with a psychiatrist (I had seen someone back in the UK but that was months ago) so that I can get myself onto some different ADs - Celexa doesn't seem to touch anything :(

Sorry this was so long!!

Take care, Witti




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