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Re: RealMe - how did it go today? 'slight trigger' Wittgenstein

Posted by RealMe on September 7, 2007, at 10:41:37

In reply to RealMe - how did it go today?, posted by Wittgenstein on September 7, 2007, at 7:38:17

What you say about the lying down part, I think it would probably be okay, but I just don't want to say that to him yet. I am not sure why. I spend a lot of time looking at the floor too so why not try lying down. I suppose if I got too uncomfortable I could always sit up. Freud's Wolf Man used to even walk around the room! Don't think I could do that.

So I had to drive to my appointment in pouring rain as I missed the train, and so there I was on the expressway when I heard there had been a bad accident up by the exit I take. So I got off earlier and tried a different route and got somewhat confused as I only know a few main roads closer to the Lake. Anyway, I did make it on time, barely. So he calls me in, and he is late again by a few minutes. It was okay with me, but of course I had to check my watch after I was out the door, and he gave me the three minutes.

Anyway, I went in and sat on the couch closer again and started laughing and laughing, from embarassment. He looked puzzled and then started laughing with me. I then told him about how embarassed I was about what happened on Wednesday as if I was a little child who didn't get as much ice cream as the other children. OOPS. Then he looked real serious, and said somethng about the little girl who is still in there and who is feeling so hurt and deprived. AGGGGH. So then I told him about his comment about coming out to play with him and what that triggered. OOPS. More seriousness and how that goes back to feeling it is not okay to ask for anything for myself. I made a comment that no one ever came out to play with me when I sat on the porch and waited and waited. Only the guy down the street who sexually abused me was willing to be with me, and he was not really a friend (obviously).

I did not want to go on with that subject but made some comment about my doctor and then therapist from Menninger's who died in August 2004, but I didn't know about it until November 2004 when I got my Alumni Newsletter. My T seems to think I still need to do some grieving, that part of my depression may be grieving for my old T and for my brother and for my father. I told him he was nuts about my brother and father, my brother the sexual and physical abuser??? no way, and the father I never really knew. So yes, miss not having a father, and re my brother, he says that even though I was hurt by him I don't talk about him in negative ways now. I recognize he was sick. This led to my work with abusers and victims, and how have I done this with my own issues. Easy I said, I am not them; they did not abuse me, and after all even abusers have pain, suffering, and even some good qualities. That surprised him, but I truely see things that way.

Anyway, I started talking about my reports as I try to tie everything together in the analysis, the history, interview, psych testing, discovery materials, etc. to give a picture, a sense of who is this person and what does this person need. It was sort of in response to his saying he has not been impressed with the psych testing reports he has read for consultations. THEN: BOOOM.

Just what we have been talking about on another thread. He says to me, "I know you do that with your reports; I read one of your reports." AGGGGGGGHH!!!! I asked if from Menninger's or from the Courts, as my Menninger reports are ten times better. He said no from the courts. AGGGGGH! He then volunteered who the person was, not by name, but by the criminal act, a young man from a fairly affluent family. My guess is they were trying to get this kid into my T's residential program for 18 to 30 year-olds. He said he rejected him as being too psychopathic. I cannot remember the kid really, only vaguely, and apparently it has been at least a couple of years ago I saw him. He did not take the kid into his program it sounded like. YIKES. Well we both saw this person professionally, and his criminal acts are public knowledge. So, what does this mean. I just was so embarased as most of my reports for court, I have to rush through.

At the end of the session, he said to me that one day he will do less "educating" with me, meaning telling me how some things fit together. For now he thinks I am so emotional that he needs to help me keep things wrapped up and making sense in the present. So, I guess the day will come when he won't answer my questions and won't make interpretations that tie things together for me. I made a face about something from earlier, and he said to me, "Come on RealMe, you have to let me do my job." I said I know, it's okay; and anyway isn't better that I acknowledge what you say than to go argue and deny. He said yes. But that day will come too I am sure.

So all in all a very strange session. Not particulary tramatic or upsetting. More of a sesson of building trust and feeling more comfortable with him.

I just wish I got to see him more than once next week, but that will be it, Wednesday only. I start to think it's five days to next Wednesday, and then I start to feel bad, and I just have to stop and focus on something else like getting some things done for work. Sorry this got so long, but it is still fresh in my head--got home at around 10:00 a.m. after stopping at the chiropractor's on the way home. This p.m. I go for my eye doctor appointment.

Thanks so much for asking. That feels weird to me too; never used to think anyone even cared.

RealMe
(OzLand)


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poster:RealMe thread:781338
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070904/msgs/781372.html