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Re: Ugh! That T word again -- not tintinabulation Racer

Posted by Dinah on September 7, 2007, at 9:46:30

In reply to Ugh! That T word again -- not tintinabulation..., posted by Racer on September 7, 2007, at 1:30:36

> And there's the other part that says, "The only way to make sure your needs don't go unmet is -- not to have needs."

My therapist's mantra is "The only way to make sure your needs do go unmet is not to ask for what you want." He follows that with saying that when you ask for things, sometimes the answer is no. And that doesn't make you wrong for asking.

It's a hard concept for me. But I can see the wisdom behind it. And I'm trying my best. Sometimes I think I ought to ask for the most inappropriate things to desensitize myself to hearing no. Although I'd have to explain first of course.

It's especially hard for those of us who also have a problem saying no. Because I'm sure we've all been in situations where people put us in terribly awkward situations by asking for something outrageous and leaving us frustrated by our ability to say no.

I think I'm getting better at that too. I have contact with a kid who does ask for the most outrageous things. And I have taken to just calmly responding no and continuing the interaction without pause. And do you know what? I don't resent him at all. I'm not at all angry with him. I don't think something like "How dare he!"

I think (and hope) our therapists are trained in saying yes or no with thought and consideration. Because they don't feel compelled, it is ok to need and it is ok to want and it is ok to ask. Because they aren't going to get angry because they understand and also because they don't consider (or shouldn't consider) our needs and wants to be demands they are reluctant not to meet.

If that makes sense.

 

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poster:Dinah thread:781315
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070904/msgs/781363.html