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Re: Magic Moment - it was fleeting - trigger DAisym

Posted by Dinah on September 6, 2007, at 7:52:55

In reply to Re: Magic Moment - it was fleeting - trigger, posted by DAisym on September 5, 2007, at 22:39:28

> I hate this. I have this amazing sense of connection and I don't feel so alone with the abuse and then *poof* -- it gives way to thoughts of "you shouldn't feel so good about this" or "you are weak to need your therapist like this" -- and then wham - I'm angry at him for teasing me with the idea that I'm not alone. Because really I am.

You know, it's kind of funny (not hah hah funny) that in the end I managed to grasp both of these things at the same time, when before I struggled with holding on to the connection far more than I do now.

It wasn't until I really was forced to acknowledge that in the end I was alone that I was able to accept the caring he did offer, believe in that caring (for the most part), and be able to hang on to it.

So that this week I'm doing badly, and he asked if I'd like to come in an extra day, and I responded that I didn't have any money left in my checking account, and he told me to call him if I needed him. At one point that would have stung a bit. The reminder of the paid nature of our relationship. But this time that only flitted briefly through my mind before I accepted his offer to call. Although I haven't.

So there's this whole completely incompatible sense of knowing that yes, I'm alone in the most fundamental matter. I have no one to rely on but myself. But yes, I'm never alone. There are people who care about me, and who want the best for me, and who send a bit of that with me as I go along. Not just my therapist, but lots of people. I can rely on their caring, I can rely on their help and company through my journey. In some ways. And yet I am alone in other ways.

It's weird. But somehow it feels better than it did before, before I held those incompatible ideas. I don't think I'm explaining it well. Something along the lines of having it dramatically thrust upon me that I can't rely on him in some ways freed me up to trust more in what I can rely on.

Ugh. Hard to explain.

 

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