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Re: Thinking of you

Posted by Dory on September 6, 2007, at 7:11:10

In reply to Thinking of you Dory, posted by muffled on September 5, 2007, at 17:29:42

> **yeah, I get like that, sure feels bad. Isolating. My T says thats not always the best thing to do. She says to try my hardest to get 'out there' when I am like that. But its hard.

i stayed home from work. i couldn't tolerate people.
> >

> *Sorry Dory, is there a link to a thread that says what happened to appt? I can't find it?

i don't know what you mean.. my appt..
is in this thread, the last appt anyway.
Not much of anything happened.

> * sure don't seem like a bad person to me IMHO...
> I dunno if we see the real you on babble? Do we?

a lot of the time, yes. i try.
i can't always tell while i am doing it,
putting on a display or persona for
other people is more "natural" than being me

> *I dunno what to say, cuz I not so sure what going on, whether your getting scared and running, or whether his theraputic style just don't work for you, or what?

i don't know. maybe i'm no good for therapy.
all the therapy types list "success rates"
as stats... none are 100%. Maybe i am no good

> *Walls can come down, eventually. I'm one to talk, I am queen of walls w/my T, but I getting better.

maybe. i am just so deeply depressed now.
so many hard choices in my life
so much to carry
you know that
people say i can't do it all
but what else can i do?
is there any other choice i don't know about?
you live or you die and this is what my life is

> *well I'm SURE your not repulsive. I used to think I was a leper....but now mostly I don't....
> It may just be that your T has strong boundaries...

he said again that he would always call
if i say i really want him to
he didn't say he was wrong
or that he was sorry
i wanted that
he did say what he did
was directly against what he promised though
i think he knows he should have
talked to me first

> And caring has its own sh*t to go along with it...
i just want tenderness
compassion for me, the me in here
i want him to tell me, outloud, that it's ok
is it a boundary not i say "i care about what happens to you?"
a boundary to not say "i'm sorry you feel so bad inside?"
boundary not to tell me he likes me ok, doesn't despise me?

i want him to just show me, even once, that i deserve a little gentleness.
He doesn't need to say anything about him really
Can he lean closer and tell me that
he can see i'm hurting?
Can he say that he hears me cry inside?
Can he lower his voice to that soothing tone?
Can he see the little bird that needs to be wrapped and kept safe?

can he see through the blank wall? the one
that can't feel or show him?
can't cry when i hit the ground like a stone
can't make a sound while i struggle in agony
gentle hands to pick me up

lost lost lost
it's all words and find it yourself
reach out reach out no one will ever reach in
i want him to reach in and touch my hand
let me know that someone on the outside
cares whether i make it out

sad. lost. alone.
crying inside. staring into space.

> Is your T CBT oriented?

he does schema

there isn't anything anyone can do. Not even T.
What is he there for?
deep depression
huge life issues

trapped and sad.




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