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Ok, I'll be the odd one out (long)

Posted by 10derheart on September 5, 2007, at 23:58:41

In reply to Re: I'm jealous, posted by RealMe on September 5, 2007, at 22:56:41

My relationship with my T. (a little over 2.5 years) is actually the easiest thing for me to talk to him about. Not easy in each and every moment, yes - uncomfortable, still scary sometimes, but still way easier than the stuff I'm supposed to be talking about. Body image, self-loathing, how often I *actually* cry myself to sleep from loneliness and fear of the future (can I ever be be lovable to a man again stuff) are all next-to-impossible topics for me to sustain more than a few sentences without saying, "I don't want to talk about this. It's too hard."

But, I can tell my T. directly - all day long - that I miss him, I wish I could see him more, I'm furious over something he's said or done, jealous of his family, want to live in his office, think he's pushy, rude that day, ask him if he's scared of my feelings about him, or whatever.

I don't know why. It has gotten more natural over time, but frankly it wasn't hard for me in the beginning, once I trusted him to be consistent and safe to a certain degree (which didn't take so very long, and he is really good at this and gentle, and kind)

I've always had this bold, brash, challenging, in-your-face streak that likes to pop maybe making blunt statements about feelings in relationships has always been "my style?" He's made it easier over time by being utterly unflappable. Nothing has fazed him yet. And boy do we talk about it all the time. To the point I complain to him it's the *only* thing I ever bring up and will he please make me change the subject?!

But, I still envy sunny and others because I need/want to tell him I love him, before one of us gets hit by a bus or something. I know the regret if I never express this feeling will feel worse than the fear of saying it will feel, but still....can't bring myself to go there. We do our favorite euphemism that's he's, "extremely important to me."

It's so interesting how differently we can all react in this area. Well, at least me - the sole odd one out, so far ;-)

LLurpsie, I can see being jealous, but everyone's right. It'll come in it's own time, and if you can talk to him about the really painful stuff about *you,* well, I think your T-me relationship will just naturally push it's own way into the dialog somehow. The work may get too intimate for it not to happen.

And it'll be fine - in fact, you may be surprised at a great sense of relief and safety. I know I was.




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