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Re: Magic Moment - it was fleeting - trigger

Posted by DAisym on September 5, 2007, at 22:39:28

In reply to Re: Magic Moment - raisinb, posted by annierose on September 5, 2007, at 17:06:39

I hate this. I have this amazing sense of connection and I don't feel so alone with the abuse and then *poof* -- it gives way to thoughts of "you shouldn't feel so good about this" or "you are weak to need your therapist like this" -- and then wham - I'm angry at him for teasing me with the idea that I'm not alone. Because really I am.

He says I'm not. He was floored at my interpretations of some of the things he said, -- like when he asked me on Thursday if I was going to be safe over the weekend. I threw it back at him on Monday, "I guess if I don't take my own life than I'm fine. I'm safe. Doesn't matter that I'm not really OK, as long as I'm alive to show up at my next session." Ouch, ouch, ouch. I was so mean. And then of course I fell apart sobbing. And shut down and couldn't talk. (One cute moment - I told him "I'm going away - shutting down." And he kind of sounded like a little kid - "WHY?! Don't do that. Come back!" I tried but didn't do very well. That was Tuesday. Today was better.)

After many other things he finally said, "I think when we get close, you get scared. It all gets mixed up for you, feeling close feels good, which then feels dangerous. You can't sort it all out, so you just run from it. I think I'd be mad at me too for the confusion. But I won't hurt you, I promised I wouldn't intentionally hurt you."

After two days of talking about this it is better. Not completely OK, but better. He said THIS is my therapy. Learning to be close, to trust myself and to feel safe. I thought I'd get the spiral speech again but instead I got the "chips" speech. A while ago I was so worried about when he would get sick of me -- I said it felt like using up all my chips to call him or whatever. He said I could have 999,999 chips. Today he asked me how many I thought I had left - I thought I'd used at least 150,000. He said no worries, he'd let me know when I got down to a mere 10,000. "What happens then?" I asked. "We start over" he says.

Start over?! No way. Thank goodness the session was over.

But seriously - I really do want advice on how to hang on to the good, connected feeling. How do you just allow it?


 

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poster:DAisym thread:779884
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