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Re: The key Dinah

Posted by Honore on July 14, 2007, at 10:22:20

In reply to The key, posted by Dinah on July 13, 2007, at 12:18:05

I had a conversation very much like that with my T, too, when we resolved some of the anger and fighting that we went through for almost a year.

I think he realized, finally, that I wanted to move forward, and that my seeming not to was more on the surface, or how he was perceiving ( or misperceiving) my reluctance to say so-- out of some type of magical thinking or self-protectiveness, I think.) When he realized that I was much more positive and open, we talked about how he needed to be more forceful and even sort of "forcing" me to do things-- so I would believe that he really wanted me to do them.

My parents were often very dishonest-- and wouldn't want me to have friends or do things, even though they would claim they did. So I needed him to find ways of showing that he really really did want me to make progress-- as opposed to them.

It was like your T's key-- a completely different way of seeing what I needed, and how to work together. Our way of getting stuck was to have horrible misunderstandings that escalated into these bitter arguments-- but we were paralyzed around some point of not knowing how to work anymore= the old ways weren't enough, but the new way wasn't clear.

It is because he'd known me for so long-- and we're so close-- that he's willing to move out of his usual more analytic style-- and be more practical and forceful-- and even insistent. But it's really been working for both of us-- because he sees how open I am to doing things, and how much more progress and how much better our conversations, and deeper our understanding can be-- and even more importnat, that I"m making progress in terms of taking risks, and going into social situations.

I can see how unused he is to doing it-- and how much, in a way, he has to risk it each time, because it is so unfamiliar, and against the usual analytic attitude he works with.

It's really fascinating that the key can be so elusive-- but necessary to find-- at a certain point. And that there can be a lot of unforeseen change afterward. I'm seeing changes-- and really hopeful of more for myself.

And for you-- because your T also seems to be thinking, adapting, trying to find that way for the two of you.

It's kind of amazing to me-- how obscure the answer can be-- even when it's right there and not really anything strange or extreme-- just different.

Honore


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