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Re: Tormented my Pdoc might terminate me (long **csa)

Posted by antigua3 on July 13, 2007, at 10:23:14

In reply to Re: Tormented my Pdoc might terminate me (long **csa) antigua3, posted by DAisym on July 13, 2007, at 1:32:28

> ((((Antigua)))) -- I'm sorry for what you are going through. It is so very painful and you've had enough pain.

I can never have enough pain; it's neverending. It truly is. To trust the happiness is dangerous because it can be so fleeting.
Most therapists expect client cancellations when things get hard. It is reasonable to avoid painful experiences and therapy is painful. It sounds like there are "new rules" - and I agree with you that he should have talked with you about these changes.
Thanks. I thought I had gotten past avoiding therapy. I usually make a point of going when things are so bad, because I know I will be helped. And that is almost always true with my T. She knows me so well that she helps me with my faulty thinking, or shows me a different way of looking at the situation.

Maybe part of it is that my pdoc hasn't always been able to do that, to tie it all up in a neat package at the end so I feel better. The last few sessions have ended badly for me mostly, because his ideas have not been helpful, they are tired, already learned lessons. But maybe he strikes a male chord within me that is different from my T. I think the pdoc is frustrated he's not helping, and appears to actually make things worse. I think it's all about connecting, and since we've stepped into this uncharted territory we have lost our connection. Maybe it's because he's seeing me in an entirely different way and doesn't know how to help me.

> *********Which part do you think he can't handle? >

I haven't even gone into great detail with him, but I did expose my feelings about how I felt, the wave of emotions. I think he's disgusted by the sexuality part, and that is probably pure projection on my part. With him, the facts are the facts of what happened, and we are just now discussing the emotions. Well, I'm discussing the emotions at least. He's trying to show me that these feelings aren't rational, which I already know, but they are my feelings.

> >>>I just don't know what to do if this happens? Yet again I've screwed up and picked the wrong person to tell? I will be devastated. This just reinforces what a disgusting person I am, worthless, and yes, a da*n freak, that if someone I've worked with for two years is going to turn his back on me... That will be it. Men think I'm disgusting. I've always known it, but I trusted this time--what a fool. When will I ever learn?
> ******I can completely understand why you'd feel this way. in my more rational moments, I know I'm not a disgusting person -- and neither are you. We were both little girls who loved their dad and had very bad things happen. Someone who should have taken care of us, hurt us. Now it is happening to you again -- but the ending isn't the same. You are standing up for yourself, you are telling by writing it here and you aren't alone. You have your family, your therapist and your Babble friends.
Thanks. No, you aren't a freak, I would never think that way about someone else. Part of it is being smacked in the face with other people's reactions. My husband is ashamed, which makes me feel worse, and whenever I've told someone, even a close friend, their reaction is almost hurtful (shouldn't you be over that by now?? for ex)

This is a whole secret part of csa that is rarely discussed. We are told by our helping professionals to speak up, but I, at least, have been shocked by society's reactions. Even in group, once, when I was forced to tell I had been abused, one guy started hitting on me, treating me as if I invited sexuality because this had happened. And I don't think it's so much a matter of who we tell, I think there is some universal reaction that I need to become more aware of, because I've only opened up to people I really, really trust (except the group) and I know myself well enough that I didn't pick wrongly w/ALL of these people. It's a huge thing.

> Will you ever learn? I think you are learning. You are learning that your story needs to be told even if you can't control someone's response to it. The secret itself is poison and it needs to be aired out. You used good judgement by picking this man to share your story with. He isn't just another person, he is someone who hopefully will be able to hear it and help you. But even if he can't, telling him wasn't the wrong thing to do.

While I respect your opinion, I don't agree. The secret is not so poisonous to me anymore, it's the reactions from others that is my new poison. That's why Babble is so helpful; others don't judge, but in real life people judge, and I can't stop that from happening, so I will drive the secret back underground. Telling him was wrong; I need him in so many ways and this has driven him away. It drives people away, really, and especially the ones who are supposed to be willing to help.

I am sure that if he does terminate me his reason will be that "he can't help me". If I said "can't" to him, he would say the correct word is "won't". And that's a huge part of this. He won't help, I'm too awful, etc., etc. It just reinforces how badly I feel about myself.

And this is a pattern, not an isolated incident with a male helping professional, so I can't just shake it off.

thanks for all your support, Daisy, I truly appreciate it.





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