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Re: Having a difficult time and T is too kind OzLand

Posted by muffled on July 9, 2007, at 22:06:08

In reply to Re: Having a difficult time and T is too kind, posted by OzLand on July 7, 2007, at 20:50:33

>I am not planning on killing myself, but it seems to become an obsession that scares me at times, and because I tend to dissociate too, I am afraid I could do something without even realizing it. Not likely, though.

**Hmmm, not likely. Proly not, but do you lose time? Please be careful.

>So I sent him an email last night about the theme song from MASH and my love of wolves and how I would I would love to go to the wilderness to die, and the wolves can have me then.

**thats my theme for dying too. Just walk into the wilderness and not come back...

He wrote back asking me to tell him what number to call him at today because he wants to talk to me. I emailed him back that I did not want him to call me and to please leave me alone, that I am feeling ashamed, which I am. I wish I had not sent the email, and sometimes when I do stuff like that, it is as if it is not the competent me who has a professional job and does very well at work. Now I am so anxious about this AND next week that I can hardly breathe. I would really like some input.

And I understand wanting to be left alone.
There's so many times when I wish my T would call, then she does, and it feels intrusive, but then I wish I could have talked, but usu I can't... sigh.

> I emailed my therapist today and told him I was embarrassed and ashamed, etc, and I told him that I feel like I am different people sometimes and that he doesn't see the competent professional that I am at work.

*I used to say this sort of thing to my T. That the muffled she sees insn't the muffled that usu presents to the world...

>He knows this already, I think, given my background and training and the fact that we were at a workshop together right after I started seeing him. Of course I didn't behave like a ditz there. Anyway, I wrote him that I know I am not like the separate entitities that did not always know what happened back when I was in treatment a number of years ago, but I still act like the different parts of me at times and then feel stupid.

*I think we all do this to some extent. It is hard. I am ashamed to show my other ways of being too...

>He already knows this, though. He wrote back to me and told me to stay safe and take care of myself as he knows I have a difficult and strenuous week ahead of me. I wrote back and thanked him and said I would see him on Wednesday.

*well good for you for communicating. E-mail is proly less intrusive feeling. I hate the phone.

> I just don't like for him to see the "sick" side of me. Silly I know as why else would I be going to him. I work in the field and trained at what was the best psychiatric training site in the country at the time, and so it is difficult for me to accept help and to let him see stuff about me that is not the competent side.

*Training aside, its hard for ANY of us to let someone see our weaknessess for a variety of reasons. So I guess cuz of your training and being in the same field , its goto be extra hard.
I wrote lots to my T bout my weaknessess, but could not say them verbally. Not allowed. Funny how I was allowed to write it?
Anyhow, I hope the SI stuff calms down some for you, its really lousy. And I hope you can be easier on yourself about being ashamed and stuff. I'm not so good at it, but thats the theory anyhow!
And BTW, what exactly do you mean by T is too kind? Can you expand on that? Only if you want.
Those good old CBT type coping skills are good to get thru the day...
Take good care,




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