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Re: two-faced coworkers LlurpsieNoodle

Posted by peddidle on July 6, 2007, at 13:50:36

In reply to Re: two-faced coworkers, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 6, 2007, at 11:53:12

> Hi pdidi
>
> I would be really hurt by that comment. I remember my hs history teacher talking about the rise of Hitler and saying that the surest way of uniting two different [groups of] people is to create a common enemy. My guess is that the two people involved in the IM were insecure for various reasons and felt more secure if they had some kind of "bond".
>

**That's amazing insight, and it makes a lot of sense.

> I don't know the structure of your office situation. If this woman is subordinate to you, you might ask to see her in private and tell her that you were using the front office computer the other day and you noticed that she was using IM to communicate with other people in the office. You can tell her that IM is not the most efficient way of communicating business matters and that it's not secure in the way that e-mail is. If this woman (both women) have any kind of common sense, this should create remorse rather than catty revenge.

>
> If you are equals, or in different departments, you might just casually say to her- "I used your computer the other day to look up someone's number while you were on lunch break. I saw some of your Instant Messages on the desktop." and leave it at that.

**I'm an intern, so basically everyone in the office is my superior, which makes it even more difficult. Plus, it's a small office, so there's no real way to avoid someone (avoidance is my trademark way of dealing with things). We all IM each other during the day, so I don't really have an argument as far as that.
>
> If you really confront her about the subject matter in the IM's, she's going to get defensive and will likely deflect the blame for their content to another person. It might put you in the position of exposing yourself to further hurt, because you make yourself vulnerable at the moment that you acknowledge that the content really bothered you. If you don't mention the subject matter, you'll come out smelling cleaner and you'll feel more righteous.

**You're right, the last thing I want to do is give her an opportunity to make me feel even worse, if that's even possible. I would hope that bringing it to her attention in a subtle way would put an end to the cattiness, but given her display of incredible immaturity, I wouldn't put money on it.
>
> And by all means talk to your T about this. This kind of insult can hit you at a very vulnerable spot and trigger a cascade of insecurities.

**Please excuse my language, but the only way I know how to describe it is to say it made me feel like complete sh*t. It's almost as if she saw the target and threw a dart right at the bullseye.
>
> So sorry you have to deal with this. I had a lot of problems with office politics for about a year, and it was interfering with my work a LOT. my T at the time recommended some techniques from a book called "the gentle art of verbal self-defense". Classic in the field of negotiating these awkward social exchanges.

**I'm sorry you had problems with office politics, but I'm glad you were able to get through it. I work at a government office, so it's difficult to escape the politics. lol
That book sounds really helpful... I might check it out.
>
> Take care, okay? Wear whatever makes you feel pretty, knowing that no matter how hard you try you can't turn haters into admirers-- just try to keep your head high. Living well is the best revenge
>
> -Ll

**Thank you soo much Ll...I'll try to keep that in mind!

 

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