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Re: Us and them Sigismund

Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 5, 2007, at 10:58:12

In reply to Us and them, posted by Sigismund on July 5, 2007, at 0:20:57

> We seem to have this idea that we shouldn't be frightened.
> I'm not so sure.
> The feeling of safety, IMO, is an illusion, although it could be argued that the feeling of threat is too.

All things in moderation. That feeling of appropriate response to appropriate threat is kind of out of whack in my case. The conflict in my mind of "nothing worth being afraid of" and sympathetic nervous system and amydala saying "very very scary, get the F*ck out of here". There's a very good case for being afraid in some circumstances, but other times its unproductive and maladaptive.

I have this sense that things weren't always this way. Maybe life has presented more threats than usual. Maybe my rational mind is finally getting the message "nothing to be afraid of". Both scenarios cause more conflict in my person.
> I've just finished a 3 day training course in how to use a chain saw.
> Thirteen Australian men revving their chainsaws.

o my

> After the first day I felt really sick.
> When I told the people at the station I was going to do the course they were pleased
> 'That's really cool'
> and sceptical
> 'You're not training to be a bloke, are you Declan?'
> This sounded mildly challenging so I immediately agreed.
> So there we are, out chopping up these big trees and I'm trying to remember the procedures, my meds and vitamins, and at the end of the day the other blokes have made a wooden football and a couch and chairs and Godknowswhatelse.
> I made nothing.

You made no accidents- that's the most important thing!. I'm sure you can cut a log now. Therefore, you can make firewood, you can cut logs to build a cabin, etc. Lots of useful things can come from learning basic chainsaw stuff. My dad (anti-bloke if you ever met him) had 3 chainsaws, 'cause we lived in the woods. Trees always falling on our house and stuff. And we had firewood every winter. fires are nice. kind of blokey, but domestic at the same time.

> It reminded me of 50 years ago at the beach.
> But I thought, hell, who cares?
> IMO, depersonalisation can be aggravated by inappropriate drug use.

It got much better when I started on anti-psychotic, and worse again when I switched to geodon. Now at least it's situationally triggered and not some random occurance of my limbs drifting out into the ether...

> Or perhaps can be an unsettling awareness of our seperateness, and therefore our vulnerability.
> What's it that Iago says? "I am not what I am"?
> Is that relevant? No idea.
> I do think that having the right circumstances you can learn from and relate to is critical.

I try to learn from all my circumstances. Human minds are experts at making meaning out of all sorts of nonsense. I think stability is key. I'm still trying to feel "at home". In my life I've lived on 3 different continents, but I got really settled living in Chicago for a while. Things were predictable. Here they're not. Little chores to do (I've been waxing furniture, wtf?) ALL over the place, and vigilance for the phone call that means that the truck with my Chicago stuff is going to show up outside my little cottage. Fear that it's not going to fit. Fear that I'll be surrounded by boxes, multiplying boxes, like in the Sorcerer's Apprentice. movers bringing boxes and boxes and boxes until the cottage overflows and one can no longer walk anywhere.

I'm going off on a tangent. Just wanted to make you feel better, by warning you. Scared that people will look in my windows and see my unkemptness at this late hour and peg me for a slob. (keeping in mind that I'm living in snooty neighborhood). Seriously, folks walk around with a wine glass and a poodle in tow, wearing their expensive golf course/sail boat outfits. I've been thinking about "punking up" my look to feel more like the outsider I am. My southern/midwestern accent seems out of place here. etc.

That's all.

You can come build me a log cabin anytime, Sigis. Or just a pile of logs. I'm going camping soon, so they'll come in handy.





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