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F*ck this anxiety sh*t.*trigger*

Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 3, 2007, at 22:07:37

The 3 musketeers. Dissociation, Depersonalization, Panic.

I haven't been able to go to the movies in over a year without one of them showing up.

Is it just any intense experience? Is it something specific that the movie triggers (I HATE THAT wORD)? Is it learned by now after so many times of "let's go to the movies and see what happens"

All I want is the normal stuff. The big summer blockbuster, the enjoyment of big fireworks. I'd even settle for not being afraid of new neighbors. Sideways edgy glances when I dare to step out and walk half a block to the bench by the pond. To watch some dragonflies and birdies. Worried about what people think of me. Will they know? The ugly stuff? Read in my eyes the fear? Will they know that I'm scared even in the midst of [because of?] safety?

This stuff never bothered me before. Not to panic, anyways. Out of body. Out of my F*cking mind.

I don't know which is worse- the dissociation that yields to the feeling of losing time... trance. The depersonalization- like I'm in this body far far away without any control over my own limbs, without any recognition of my own self. The panic that makes my face hot, my throat choking itself. The consequences of all three of these. Coping mechanisms that create more problems than they solve.

Is this EVER going to go away? I hate this. I'm going to go into hiding now. stay in bed away from sharp implements. what a waste I sad so self-hating. nausea.

yes. I took a f*cking klonopin. no. i did not drink a beer. no i don't ask for help. husband can tell though. hovering. in a good way.





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