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Re: Your posts help and... Nathan_Arizona

Posted by 10derHeart on July 3, 2007, at 16:30:51

In reply to Re: Your posts help and..., posted by Nathan_Arizona on July 3, 2007, at 14:04:27

> Well, maybe it's just me (and I know this is NOT the point), but I do think you have a right to be mad. You are paying for his time and he is not giving it to you. I think you have the right to set some boundaries on the phone calls during session.

You're right. But perhaps I gave the impression this is a chronic thing. It's not; as I told Dinah, I think maybe 4-5 times over 2.5 years. Well, at least those I can remember. After we discuss and repair things, sometimes It does work so well I completely forget....which seems good. But when he reopens 'old issues' by doing this behavior again, that's probably a big part of the depth of my hurt.

> Now, having said that, anger is not a bad emotion and feeling it is not going to drive anyone away or make them leave you. It is simply an emotion that I think you have a right to feel (we all do).

Thanks, Nathan, I *always* need to be reminded of that - seriously. My head knows it, and I think maybe, my heart starts to make peace that it's really okay, acceptable to feel anger, say it, even lash out with meanness (though i try to always apologize, to my T. and others) and still people can forgive, understand, care about you, still want to be around you, and heck, even love you. But wow is it hard to remember!

> Personally, I find anger to be one of the most motivating of all the emotions and when used correctly, can induce very positive change.

That is an excellent point, and you made me remember times when this is exactly what happened - in and out of therapy.

> Usually it not the anger that sucks, it's the outcome when we express that anger - and that's the key - it doesn't have to be a negative outcome at all.

Yup. Nail on the head again (you are quite good at understanding all this, you know) My childhood was quite good and healthy, but my adulthood for about 20+ years has been full of unhealthy, one-sided, sometimes physically and/or emotionally abusive relationships with men. I know now each scarred me even though I swore for years none of the past mattered. hah. So a lot of my therapy work is recounting many of these stories (yuk) seeing them for what they were, seeing how I still believe much of the cr*p I was told....etc. And to get to why I thought of this - it's true, my T. helps rewrite a different response to anger, other than yelling, hitting, insults, coldness, withdrawing affection. But clearly I can still be terrified to express hurt to him, as I know what's 'supposed' to happen...

> Warning - standard psychobabble advice follows - I would simply talk to your T, tell him that the phone calls upset you, tell him why they upset you and be prepared to negotiate a solution with him that suits you both.

We will. We always do. Don't know if this is as negotiable as I'd wish, but some compromise must be possible, if we're both committed to the process.

> I have a good feeling that, handled correctly, this could be a really good thing.

It could. I really value this post, Nathan. You have a clear, positive and kind way that shows through, and I'm grateful you chose to respond.
You take care. - 10derHeart




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