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Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( Dinah

Posted by 10derHeart on July 3, 2007, at 15:51:42

In reply to Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on June 30, 2007, at 21:37:08

> Does he do this type of thing often?

No, he doesn't. It's just that really emotionally charged things in therapy like this is for me, *feel* like they're more often...but maybe, 4-5 times in 2.5 years.

>If not it might have been something really important. Sometimes my therapist explains at the beginning of a session that he might have to take a call.

See what I wrote to canadagirl. There is something on and off with his grown son. Something that puts them at odds. You're right, too, BUT 'really important' is not the same as 'emergency' and it ought to be able to wait 20 minutes for a session to finish, and certainly wait 30 seconds when I'm leaving and NOT destroy that last moment I treasure. {shrug} It was as if his son were standing in the hallway next to me, watching me, tapping his foot impatiently while this foolish, pathetic woman wanted to shake his dad's hand... Just knowing he was holding the cell phone made it feel that way. I am probably a complete idiot here, but I can't help it.

>That's true of me too, sometimes, so I can't get too upset.

I always turn mine off. I guess I just can't relate.

>But the least he could do is explain it briefly and apologize for the disruption of your session.

He did, but it's somehow not enough. His explanation is, "I have to take this." Then he stepped out and came back about 1-2 mins later. Saw tears rolling down my cheeks, said, kindly enough, "That bothered you, didn't it?" (uh, duh) I tried to explain exactly 'why' and why so much that day, which I think was because he'd pulled the damn thing out to look at numbers 2 times before he stepped out, and each time built up stress inside me, like I'm bothering him and he needs me to LEAVE so he can get on with his real life, the relationships that *really* matter. Does that make sense? :-(

> Maybe whatever it was was still going on later when he spoke to you and he wasn't at his best?

He didn't speak to me as I was at work, and I specifically asked for a voice mail anyway. I knew I'd break down if I spoke to him. The message just was disappointing: "sorry you left so distressed, we'll take time to talk about it next week, can't say it won't happen again as I don't know that..." sounded like the Charlie Brown teacher to me - wah wah wah wah....nothing like what I wanted to hear and thought I'd hinted at - just tell me it'll be okay and that you care about me, not matter what I get angry about. Didn't get that. He doesn't leave voice mails well, so far. But I've only asked for a very few. He could get better, I guess.

> I'm not trying to give him an out. It's rude to do that without any sort of explanation and you're right to tell him so. :(

I think my problem is not so much the rudeness or even the lack of 'enough' of an explnation, but the fear of showing my anger and frustration and managing the feelings that arise every time. I'm afraid he'll be pushed over the edge and start planning my termination. Or maybe just as bad, that he'll think I'm not a kind, decent person who understands about family being so important. Ironically, one of the core things that bonds me to this man, make me love and admire him, *is* his strong family ties, loyalty,and devotion to his kids and grandkids. Guess he's just never supposed to give me a demonstration on 'my' time.
>
> My therapist and I were idly discussing it the other day, and he said in a sort of wondering voice that he guessed it was a bigger deal to clients than it was to therapists. Well... Good grief. I had to almost laugh at that. *Everything* is more charged on our end of the sofa. Otherwise therapy wouldn't work so well.

I hate that wondering tone, although I find it intellectually interesting, in a way. I mean, how long does it take them to understand this stuff? Are we talking into the wind? And my T. tends to appear very empathetic, and will reflect back well, or give another example where he 'does' demonstrate he grasps my view of things.....but yet, bam! does the same or similar thing again, and is so surprised at a strong reaction. arghh.

> I hope he comes through for you next time. What is your relationship like in general?

It's strong. Good, open, excellent, wonderful, by and large. He is the best therapist for me at this point in time. I firmly believe that. I suppose this is precisely why these small things can become so powerful and linger? I mean, guess it's kinda obvious. He means so much to me, and I have huge issues with feeling I must walk on eggshells to keep someone from leaving, or moving away, or dying, or thinking I'm "too much" and pushing me away emotionally and that's the transference piece, I know, I know...
>
> I've got to say that my therapist finally came through for me and now turns his cell phone off at the beginning of each session. So it can finally seep in.

I think that's great, Dinah. Must feel good to not have to contend with it. My T. will never do this, I don't think. I can just hope he forgets it at home more often :-)

I guess maybe this week I may see how this cell phone thing is important to get through to get to deeper things about fear and trust and being a priority to somebody....sounds scary :-(

 

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poster:10derHeart thread:766930
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