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Re: What's Constitutes a Win?

Posted by Honore on July 2, 2007, at 9:08:07

In reply to Re: What's Constitutes a Win?, posted by DAisym on July 2, 2007, at 1:47:49

It's hard to define what's enough in a situation where I'm very unhappy about what my T is doing-- or really need him to be doing something else (not going away for such a long time).

The phrase," Thanks for telling me," or "we can keep on talking about this," in many instances doesn't give enough. It's more a repetition (or feels like it) of the old situation of parents or others whose claims of caring seemed empty or dishonest, because whatever they said, they always would continue their emotional absense or hurtfulness, or unpredictability, or intrusiveness, or whatever it might be.

However technically true, the phrase is disappointing, and not enough of an answer to abandonment, or hurtfulness. It doesn't show anything, except a certain type of supposedly willingness to listen. But it's the conversation that ensues, and how the T can respond that will (or won't) help. Having faith that it will help isn't something one comes in with-- it only evolves, slowly, through good experiences with someone.

But, one thing: there are moments when it comes to feel like a power struggle, but I think the question jammer and Therapygirl are concerned with is about much more. It isn't what constitutes a win, but what constitutes enough of a response, to reach beyond the sense of abandonment and repetition, and transform the abandoner and abandoned person, into different people (or give you a sense of a different meaning of the event). That is, to see your T differently from your old experiences. As someone who's staying in spirit, for example, even if they're going-- and not really abandoning you, even if they can't stay.

That doesn't mean the T has to stay or give up vacation--in fact, that, by itself, wouldn't help enough, although it could be part of helping at certain times. But "let's talk about it" isn't enough either. It tends to sound rote, and self-protective, like a way out of having to do anything. The emotional work isn't done.--only gestured toward So of course, until something else, emotionally, happens, one tend s to expect some sort of hurtful repetition-- and to find the T;s answer so empty, like an empty promise that already hasn't been fulfilled. Whether there are ways of fulfilling the promise is what's at stake-- and until you know there are, it's a terrible feeling, to have only the empty-seeming promise.




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