Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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I hate being angry with my T :-(

Posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2007, at 18:38:20

But I am. I'm not sure I'm ready to recount *all* the details here - yet - but I just wanted to whine, vent and say I hate feeling he hurt me and that I want to lash out at him. It's so scary to be mad at him. It definitely triggers all sorts of fear of abandonment and being "too much" for him in this way. Because I'm frequently challenging what he says and does, testing him and breaking into tears if I feel he's said or done something that sounds too cold or negative. When will enough be enough? He's said there is no 'enough,' but that's awfully hard to believe.

Yesterday during my session, he checked his cell phone twice in 30 minutes, then answered a call (stepped out of the room as he knows I would freak) and then ruined everything by taking a second call just as we were standing up/opening the door for me to leave.

That is still my time, and he always gives me a warm handshake and he wrecked it. He was holding the phone in one hand, with his son waiting after he'd said, "hang on a a minute," and then he shook my hand and gave me the fakest smile I've ever seen. His mind was clearly on whatever his son needed and it was so obvious. Can't he at least be a better actor? I hated it so much I got out of there as soon as possible. Went to cry a little in the bathroom down the hall so I could go outside without being seen all teary.

I left him a voicemail later, when I saw how this one thing (well, to me it was a series of 4 things) was making my mood spiral down. And I *never* call my T. He responded and it was crappy. I'm thinking now he's not very good on the phone as Dinah says about her T. Or at least not in voicemails.

Being at odds with him (although he'd never describe it that way) feels like my internal balance is all wrong and like there's a therapist-shaped hole in my heart :-(

oh yeah, I also wrote him a hurt, angry email at 2:30 this morning. That's all I can say right now, 'cause I have to go out. Thanks anyone who read this far - I know I seldom post here and I don't know how to explain why that's so. I think you're all wonderful.




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