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Re: Clarification -- more triggers DAisym

Posted by fiji on June 29, 2007, at 15:37:30

In reply to Re: Clarification -- more triggers fiji, posted by DAisym on June 29, 2007, at 1:43:38


> In all the work you've done on the fear, do you know what it is? Is it fear of being caught? Is it fear of liking it? Or did something happen after the sex that was hurtful or scary?
>
The fear is the anticipation of the other, hurtful things he did to me at night in the dark.

This was the "other" father, the beast as I describe him, the one standing in the dark doorway about 2 or 3 in the morning, drunk and weaving back and forth. Once I recognize the fear for what it is, the whole memory keeps coming back of what he did (the sounds, the slobbering, the probing with his fingers, tongue and penis that both hurt and disgust me) and the truly horrible mess he left behind (the smells, the wetness, yuck)that I couldn't clean up (we weren't allowed to leave our bedrooms at night, not even for the bathroom).


> The other question I have is are these waves solitary or are they triggered when the possibility of sex exists? If the feelings just come over you, finding the trigger seems important.
>
These are waves that wash over me constantly day and night; I can't escape them now. Before they would be triggered by my obsession for some inapporpriate man, but that's not the case anymore. I'm at the heart of it--these are the feelings I have for my father. And no, sex doesn't trigger them, although many times I lash out at my DH if he approaches me in the middle of the night.

These waves last seconds, and they are unrelenting.

> And of course, as a survivor, there are the conflicting feelings of hate and love. You hate what he did. You loved him. What he did hurt you emotionally and yet it felt good physically. The internal conflict is huge and holding on to conflicting beliefs creates chaos.
>
I know that my ambivalence about the good and bad father is played out in these waves of emotions. Let me say, though, that the part that felt good physically is not associated with the evil, night-time person. There is absolutely no pleasure there--it's all pain, suffocation and hurt.

> What is it exactly you are trying to figure out, Antigua? Do you want to be able to experience pleasure without fear? Do you want to understand the fear? Or do you want to rid yourself of the uninvited waves that pop in out of nowhere? I think you have to answer those questions before you can proceed.
>
I want to be rid of the uninvited waves that are always with me now. They are driving me over the edge, literally. Also, I have learned to experience pleasure w/o fear and I feel very lucky about that. All I can think is that I have to take the wave apart and separate the feelings, but I don't know how to do it. Neither do my T or Pdoc at the moment--they just keep saying you have to go through this, but at times I don't think they realize how awful this really is for me. It's physically painful as well as emotionally debilitating.

Thank you so much for responding. I know this is difficult for us all.
antigu


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poster:fiji thread:766397
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