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Re: So....termination?LOOOOONG LlurpsieNoodle

Posted by muffled on June 28, 2007, at 23:19:47

In reply to Re: So....termination?LOOOOONG muffled, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 28, 2007, at 19:31:44

> I think taking a break might be a worthwhile option. The thing is that therapy will always be there. Maybe you'll feel more need in a month, or a year. Maybe you're just trucking along okay, keeping things under control on your end.

**well it goes up and down of course, but as long as I don't get too out of wack I think this is best.
There is disagreement, but I will deal with that....
> I'm glad that the hard stuff isn't so terrifying for you. Yes, sure the kid's got issues, and you've got issues relating to the kid. But you recognize as much, which is a big step. imagine having all this inner torment and no way to make sense out of it.

**oh yes it was HUGE, GINORMOUS when I realized what was going on, about my people as it were. I can't think of a big enough word to describe how huge it was...

well, T can help you organize all the voices, motivations, feelings. But there are other tools available to you also. You can learn a lot about yourself from writing (which you do) from talking to others, and on babble. You can learn about yourself every moment of every day. No reason to need a T for that.

**This is the crux of the matter.I won't let my people go in front of T, I am embarrassed of being weird. I spent whole life trying to appear 'normal', and I suppose on some level I must have realized I was not.(I just thot this thot just now!) Also, I WON'T deal with That Kid. I thot it was just defenses stopping me, but its me stopping me too. I CHOOSE not to go there. I get scared and run like hell. I have tried on my own, my T has led me a little down the path, but then I panic and RUN.
So I feel I have a choice, deal with That Kid , or not. Right now I am choosing NOT, and we'll see what happens. I have many coping tools now. I have learned (again, no word) TONS AND TONS. I am in so much a better place than I was.
I have no desire to go back just to shut that kid up. I think I would rather live with SI, or have my "moments", etc, than deal with it. I may hopefully grow ever better at working around THat Kid and her crazy emots etc. So after seeing others here go thru their agony of knowing....well, mebbe there's nothing for me to know, mebbe there is, but I DON'T WANT TO KNOW, just in case....did I tell you I was diagnosed with a label of GAD 'severe' LOL!!!!!!(among others...)
> I hope you'll be able to recognize when/if things get out of control or unmanageable.

**that is a concern, I am getting MUCH better at recognizing whats going on internally, and putting a stop to troublesome behaviours.
My one fear, is that my defenses will not allow me to call T. For a variety of reasons. And I'll end up in some psychosis cuz I've abused some drug, or god forbid, alcohol, whereupon I'll end up in hosp, and I GOT IRL KIDS who really need their ma :-(
> I think your T *will* come check up on you. She'll be here for you, no matter what you decide.

**Sigh, thats an internal issue. She did say those exact words last time, I think maybe more than once(I wasn't all there...). She said 'I am here for you', or something of that nature, I just remember she was very emphatic about it. but that does not sit well with us. She even tried to specifically tell the kid that, which was good, though I thot she didn't hear it, but mebbe she did.
But there's another aspect, that says 'yeah sure, she'll be there IF she not on hols, or just away, or its a weekend, or she got family stuff, or she too busy, or she at a seminar, or, or, or- so mebbe NOT such a reliable 'I'm there for you'.....More like, I might be there for you, might not(and she DID at one point say something along those lines I think one time I think). But anyways, not much of a rock to rely on eh? More like...hmmm...more like a rock in the ocean...ha...sometimes its under water and you can't find it, and even if it IS above water, the tide'll come and drown you anyways when it covers the rock.....
I am confused :-(




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