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Re: It was bad and I went to T ** Trigger**

Posted by TherapyGirl on June 28, 2007, at 19:38:04

In reply to Re: I cancelled T -- Thanks All, posted by TherapyGirl on June 28, 2007, at 6:44:45

Somehow when I got to the doctor's office this morning, they had miraculously switched me to a female doc. That was the only good thing that happened there.

I tolerated the ultrasound okay -- it hurt, but not enough to put me over the top. They did not find any ovarian cysts, but they did find 6 uterine fibroids. The doctor is slightly concerned about my symptoms (two periods in 17 days, spotting almost every day in between). She said normally fibroids will cause heavy periods and bad cramps, but not the irregular periods and spotting that I've had. So just to be cautious, she said she needed to do an endometrial biopsy. She did warn me ahead of time. I tried to tell her that I don't generally tolerate those kinds of exams very well. But she didn't seem to listen and I couldn't seem to make her. I wish now I had yelled, "STOP," until she listened to me, but I didn't. I did okay until she actually did the biopsy. She said I would have a slight cramp. Instead I had the mother of all cramps I've ever had and it went on for about 10 minutes. I don't know why this happens to me, but it's like if they touch a certain area inside of me I go completely nuts. I can't begin to control it. I scream and cry hysterically no matter how hard I try to hold it back. And I'm *never* like this. I hate it. I tried to pull my legs back as soon as she was done and sit up, but she wouldn't let me. She did finally agree to let me take my feet out of the stirrups and pull my knees up to my stomach. I felt like an idiot but couldn't stop myself. It was just awful.

It was extremely hard to pull myself together even enough to get out of the office. The doctor checked me out herself and then showed me out the back door. I guess they didn't want to scare the other patients anymore than my screams already did. It's so humiliating.

T called me as I pulled into the parking lot at work. It was not a great conversation, but I did agree to try to come to my session tonight. (Daisy your words of wisdom kept running through my head even when she said ridiculous things that made me furious). She asked me to call her by 5 to confirm. So I called her a little before 5 and told her I was going to try, but that I didn't know if I could stay the whole time. I told her it had been a particularly hellacious day after a really bad week and I needed her not to make it worse.

The session was painful and difficult, but I think I'm glad I went. We still disagree about the cause of my recent angst (she thinks these are my issues; I think they're hers), but she did try to be supportive and at the end when I could finally tell her about the awful exam today, she was on the ball with it. At one point earlier in the session, when she said for about the 15th time that she didn't agree with the way I see things, I looked at her and said, "That doesn't mean they're not true."

So I don't know where we go from here. For now, she's on vacation next week. I am supposed to call and leave her a voice mail when I get the results of the biopsy Monday. She will call me back if it's positive. Otherwise, we'll talk about it the following week.

She did say (and I thought of you again, Daisy) that it's very hard for her to tell if I'm having a crisis from my phone messages unless I tell her it's an emergency. She said I sounded fine on the phone yesterday and she was doing "triage." I told her that I had talked about the gyn. exams enough that she should have known it was an emergency. One of the many things we argued vociferously about. But I do think she has a point and I don't know how to change that. That's my personality -- to mostly not be dramatic (unless I'm mad). It's hard for me to be needy and it's especially hard to do it on voice mail. I think it's the same problem I have at the doctor's office. I tell them (WARN them) what's coming, but I sound so calm and sane, that they don't take me seriously.

Thanks to all of you for the support. You got me through this week in a way no one else did. I love you guys.




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