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Posted by muffled on June 27, 2007, at 23:10:49

See,part of me is ready to terminate.
Part of me still wants the safety that T seemingly offers.(though WHAT that is I do not know...)
So T ever so gently (after talking bout how improved I am....slick manouver) says maybe I need a break from T. ah hell, I'll just cut and paste what I wrote to her:

So appt today. I was so unprepared. Lotsa conflict internally bout whole thing, so avoidance.
Anyhow, got lotsa info re: needs, that'll be good for alot of ways.
Then re-cap re:improvement, and then of course re:whether to terminate. And this is where there is multiple opinions.
Part of me was ready to terminate a long time ago.
Kid don't want to, she likes that T. knows she exists, and that makes her feel SO way safer. HUGE to her. Kid don't trust me much, and I guess to some extent its justified, cuz I do not seem to have much control over protection. Yeah, there was a mention of that I have better control over emots. Generally I do. I am very careful to not let certain parts out that could be problematic. Thats why I never say in T bout certain stuff, cuz I afraid that I cannot control protection, and mebbe protection would do nothing, but I dunno what it might do, so there is the concern. I cannot stop or control it and thats freaky to me, freaky to anybody I expect.
So then T is trying to be SO delicate bout it all the termination type stuff, anyhow, so part of me is seeing this all clearly, but in the background mostly, I can just kinda sense it laughing cuz it totally knows whats comming etc. Its very objective and amused. Kid starts to get freaked some(don't take much w/her) and then that activates protection. Adult is being calm and TRYING to think thru the ever increasing noise. For the adult it feels like trying to keep listening and responding thru ever increasing interruptions/opinions/feelings etc, of others. T kept asking bout a timeline for btwn appts, and adult was trying SO hard to figger it, but for her, its not an issue, she don't care, other than she finds T pleasant to talk to and enjoys her company. So then adult trys to access kid, but kid fled at first sign of poss rejection And T was TRYING to talk to kid, but then protection filter was on, and the words couldn't get thru. For whatever reason kid not supposed to hear? I tried, but no go. But adult heard. Rat. adult/scientist is analysing this. So once protection is alerted its REALLY hard to work past it. It tends to be sarcastic and aloof. I WAS truly trying to find the answer. This is what it is like for me. This is my reality. I am learning to work with it, but there are times when its very frustrating. I am accepting of it, and that helps too. Tends to keep it from escalating as much.
So T. was trying to tell Kid, stuff bout needs and stuff, but kid just don't get stuff like that. My guess is that she is pretty young, and what her needs are, are all the ones considered too needy and gross and unacceptable to some part of me. I really liked what T said bout relating the inside kid to my irl kids. I still find it hard to fathom a kid inside this old ladys body. How it could possibly be...But anyhow, if I try and imagine how daughter was at say 5 or so, and what her needs were at that time(ugh, this is making my chest hurt), then perhaps thats what this inside kids needs are?(YUK). So, I dunno, it would seem difficult to fill the needs of a child, when you an adult? Don't much like to think bout it, but I will when I got more time.
So T. try to put the ball in our court re: time for next appt- but the operative word is OUR. So a number was just picked, cuz there is no agreement, and won't be. See acceptance. What else can I do? No point in fighting.
So, so far so good. I WILL talk to kid and tell her that T is STILL around, and so she still is safe just like before. I think kid has a hard time hanging onto the feeling of safety, and/or possibly even the reality that T. even exists over time, but she can learn I guess.

I sent this to T.
Then I wrote this tonite.
Should I send it do you think?
I basically saying bye bye.
SH*T this sucks.
So here this is:

Y'know what, I was trying to work on that inside kids stuff, and its SH*T. I DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE.
I think I would rather die I swear. Cept for my kids of course. Wouldn't NEVER do that to them. Never ever. I LOVE my kids.
If I did not have kids I think I WOULD die. Accidently on purpose.
That kid will NEVER EVER get what she needs. Proly never did, proly never will.
I , yes me, I am in with the internal herd, I too, will not allow her negative thots to come forth. Her unnacceptable feelings. I run from them too.
I am not supposed to, but to be honest I do.
I can't touch her, I don't desire to touch her.(blech) She does/doesn't desire to be touched. She yearns for touch, but touch burns.
She must be protected from touch.
I will just live in slight torment, but mebbe thats what God likes, cuz it keeps us real, keeps us humble.
Maybe she will magically grow up.
Maybe God gonna smack me down like a bug.
Don't f*cking know.
I just want to be a good Mom.
I just wanto be a good person, Christian , wife, friend.
I want to help others.
I want God to get off my f*cking *ss.
I want Him to *keep* on it so I can do right things, so I can feel safe w/Him.
See, theys all stirred.
But I know the SECRET.
It will settle.
Emotions PASS.
This SH*T will pass, and there will be mostly peace for awhile, other than triggers, but I can get better and better at letting them slide.
This seems a reasonable solution does it not?
Am I talking nonsense?
Will this be doable do you think?
Or will I slowly implode, damaging my kids along the way?
I just dunno.
The way that I am, is the way that I always been, so fars I know. I may have only figgered it relatively recently, the details, but the noise is normal. It doesn't shock me. I feel disoriented when its too quiet. Then I get lonely and sad for the noise of the others. Even if its not clear and its just noise, it normal to me, therefore comforting.
When its peaceful mostly, I can still feel them oddly enuf. But there's been times when they just GONE. And thats not so nice.
Yup, crazy as a loon, and I don't care. I mostly function OK. I try real hard not to hurt noone. I not dangerous to myself no more.
Just kinda sorry you got tangled in my web of nuttiness.(mebbe I weren't so far off w/leprousy?). I got to be the client from hell. Cuz I can't/won't/scared to etc, talk. So there's nothing you can do.
Cept mebbe send up a search party if I goto space and gets lost up there.
You done real good. I learned lots.
Kid just gonna f*cking have to adapt or something.
Been a slice.
Have a good summer.
Nope, not dumeitis I having.(T was VERY clear she not dumping me)
Not exactly sure WHAT I having.
Oh well. I can adapt to that too.
Time to grow up, get a grip, move on.
We ALWAYS survive, always have, always will. Cept if our body dies, we can't control that.
But NOBODDY can get us. Cept us.

So mebbe this is it?
I don't do goodbyes, not my thing.
Mebbe send a thank you note in the mail.
And resist, no matter how bad, any impulses to reconnect, cuz that'd be going backwards.
Or mebbe it IS just a break she means? But there's not point. I WON'T look at that kid.
Sometimes I hate being me.
But mostly I feel blessed, cuz I got ALOT thats good in my life.
And sometimes I afraid I gonna die soon anyways, so why'm I DOING all this?




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